Random tales of Vampire Knight
by ilovepocky
Summary: HEY! EACH CHAPTER IS A DIFFERENT, RANDOM, MADE UP STORY BY MY AND OTHER PEOPLE! ITS MOSTLY WEIRD, FUNNY, AND REALLY RANDOM. EACH CHAPTER IS A DIFFERENT STORY UNLESS SAID OTHERWISE! HOPE YOU ENJOY! REVIEWS AND IDEAS WILL BE NICE! FINALLY UPDATED!
1. Yuuki is Freakin' Stupid

**HEY! HEY! HEY! This is not exactly a story but each chapter is a random story we made up with Vampire Knight! So to not get you confused they are all separate stories by me and other people! Its mainly weirdness and humor. Enjoy!**

[Zero knocks on Yuuki's dormitory and Yuuki opens the doors.]

Zero: Yuuki! Where fore art thou?!

Yuuki: I'm right here. Wait, who the hell are you?

Zero: Um... I'm Zero? Don't you know who I am?

Yuuki: I don't know. Some idiot shot me in the head and took my money. They also stuck skittles up my nose. That's about all I remember.

Zero: Uhhh... Yeah.. About that, I can explain--

Yuuki: Holy S**t! Who are you?! [Points at Shiki who enters the room with two other people]

Shiki: I am Shiki, and this is Rima... And Aidou

[Aidou cocks his head to the side]

Yuuki: Oh I see. Hi Titty!

Shiki: Its Shiki.

Yuuki: James?

Shiki: No. ITS SHIKI!

Yuuki: Victoria?

Shiki: SHIKI!!!

Yuuki: Laurant?

Shiki: SHIKI!!!

Yuuki: CAT?!

Shiki: YEa-NOOOOO!!!!!

Yuuki: *GASP!* GOD?!

Shiki: NOOOOO--!!!

[Please stand by! :D]

Yuuki: Do you need some water?

Shiki: *sigh* Okay-

Aidou: [Suddenly sniffs the air] You brought a snack!

[Everyone stares at him]

Aidou: I can't help myself. I smell something... mouthwatering... mon.

Yuuki: Oh I know what you mean! Want some skittles?

Aidou: Yeah, Yeah, YEAH!

Yuuki: Here you go! [Tosses Aidou some skittles]

[Aidou munches on them cheerfully, slowly savoring their delicious tast-

Yuuki: But seriously, who the hell would stick skittles up my nose?!?! Skittles out of all--

Aidou: WHAT?!

[Aidou spits out the skittles like a bullets from a gun

Yuuki: Aidou! Y-you broke my nail!

[Yuuki see gun on thwe floor]

Yuuki: Hey look a gun!

[Yuuki picks up the gun, shoots Aidou, and throws the gun out the window. Everything happened so slowly when the gun was flung away.]

Zero:[slow motion, Zero running to the window, toward his gun] NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

[In Rima's head]

_Rima: Why is Zero going slow motion all of a sudden?!_

[Back to normal pace]

[Gun flies out the window and hits a person on the head outside. The person starts to cry.]

[*LOOOOONNNNGGGG Pause]

Shiki: Is that a baby I hear crying?!

Yuuki: Psh... Whatever, let's go for a slice of pizza.

[Ruka showed up sometime during the seen]

Ruka: YEAH!

[Everyone except Zero is about to leave when Aidou suddenly sits up]

Aidou: Wait! I'm still alive!

Yuuki: *GASP!* AIDOU!!!

Aidou: What?!

Yuuki: I think you're a vampire.

. . .

* * *

P.S. Zero is still by the window, mourning for the loss of his beloved gun.


	2. A trip to THE SPA!

**HEY! HEY! HEY! This is not exactly a story but each chapter is a random story we made up with Vampire Knight! So to not get you confused they are all separate stories by me and other people! Its mainly weirdness and humor. Enjoy!**

**None of the authors own Vampire knight!**

**REVIEWS WILL BE LOVELY!!! THANK YOU! IDEAS ARE WELCOME TOO!**

One day in Cross Academy

Kaname: Aidou, what are you doing in my chair?!

Aidou: Yo Kaname I'm sorry. S-O-R-R-Y.

Kaname: You know what I'm gonna do to you?

Aidou: No, what?

Kaname: *BITCH SLAP* Now, we are going to . . . . . the SPA!

Aidou: *gasp!* Where?

Kaname: I don't know. Ask Kain.

10 minutes later

Aidou: Hey Kain, do you know any good spas?

Kain: Yeah... Its in ...... PENNSYLVANIA!!!

Aidou: Uh huh, Thanks!

1 minutes later

Kain: *snickers* sucker!

A few more minutes later.

Kaname: Alright. Everyone in the night class and disciplinary committee will be going to THE spa in ...... PENNSYLVANIA!!!

Kain: [in his head] _SHIT!!_

Kaname: Alright so lets all pack our bags and skedaddle.

6 hours later

Kaname: Well, here we are.

Aidou: Uhhh... not much of what I would call A SPA...

Rima: Shaddup. Lets go in.

They all go inside.

Receptionist: Hello. Welcome to ... THE SPA! If all of you are gonna go in you must pay $799.99... each.

Zero: $799.99?!?! Who do you think is here, Jackie Chan?! *Takes out gun* If you don't let us in for free, I will end you!

Kaname: Now let's not get physical. I'll handle this. *Kaname heads to the receptionist desk* Hey you.

Receptionist: Yes?

Kaname: *SMACK* All right lets go.

p.s. Receptionist is unconscious.

* * *

In the men's SPA

Kain: Hey Aidou. Do you know how to make fire balls?

Aidou: No.

Kaname: I think I know how.

Kain: HOW?

Kaname: You have 180 degrees in your body. Try to drain all of that heat into the palm of your hand. Imagine it's like being in a tub full of HAWT sweaty guys.

Kain: But I'm in one right now.

Kaname: Then try it!

Kain: Ok. HMMMPPPHHH! *makes straining noise*

*bubbles emerge from behind him*

Shiki: Oh Kain! Did you just--?

Aidou: [not paying attention] The water is so WARM! I think I might tinkle. OOPSIE! I just did!

Zero: Oh... I feel.. faint.

Kaname: Zero! Vampires are not that weak!

Zero: Well I am. *gets out of the tub and dizzily goes to the bathroom*

At the bathroom (Zero is very dizzy)

Zero: Who are you?

Man: Well hello darling. What can I do for you ey?

Zero: *whimpers and starts to speak gibberish* Manyea. Manyeah. What nice hair! Nice EYES! Nice --

Man: ZERO?!

Zero: *snaps out of it* AHHHH!!!! *Grabs gun*

**BANG!!!**

Ichijo comes in to take a crap.

Ichijo: *gasp!* Zero! You shot Chairman Cross!

Zero: How the hell did he get here?!

* * *

In the Women's PSA!

Rima: Come on Yuuki! Jump in! Its really relaxing!

Yuuki: No! I refuse to go into a tub full of nudists!

Ruka: First of all we're not... and I repeat NOT NUDISTS! Second of all --

Maria: You guys left without me?!

Rima, Yuuki, Ruka: *GASP!* MARIA?! How did you get here?

Maria: I snuck with you. I'm a part of the night class too aren't I? I also brought a friend, Yuuki.

Yuuki: *gasp!* Yori-chan?! How did YOU get here?!

Yori: Well you see... Me and Maria squished ourselves into your bag so--

Yuuki: You snuck into my bag?! No wonder it felt like a ton.

**LOOOONNNGG Pause*

Yuuki: Maria, I think you eat too much.

Maria: Thank you! Now can I join you?

One hour later at the receptionist desk.

Kaname: Alright gang lets go home!

Zero: We flew 6 hours for THIS?!

Kaname: Yup. At least we had a great time.

Receptionist: *waking up* Ugh my head.

Zero: NOW can I shoot IT?

Kaname: *sigh* Okay.

Receptionist: *looks up at them* HEY! You still owe us --

**BANG!**

Yuuki: Zero, what's in that duffel bag?

Zero: Yo mom.

Yuuki: Lemme see. *Opens bag* HOLY SH**! Its my mom!

Shiki: *Sarcastically* NOOO Its your fembot dad.

Yuuki: How'd he get here?

Kaname: *sighs* YOu know what, you're too stupid. Merry thanksgiving! *Runs out*

Everyone turns to leave in the direction Kaname left but Kaname suddenly runs back in, BITCH SLAPS Yuuki (for being stupid) and runs back out again.


	3. Shitty Vacation on a cruise part I

**HEY! HEY! HEY! This is not exactly a story but each chapter is a random story we made up with Vampire Knight! So to not get you confused they are all separate stories by me and other people! Its mainly weirdness and humor. Enjoy!**

**None of the authors own Vampire knight!**

**REVIEWS WILL BE LOVELY!!! THANK YOU! IDEAS ARE WELCOME TOO!**

Its winter vacation and everyone in the night class and disciplinary committee went on a cruise.

_On the cruise (at the deck)_

Aidou: FINALLY! I could rest in peace!

*BITCH SLAP!*

Aidou: Ow! What was that for?!

Kaname: Don't keep your hopes up. If you want to rest then go to your room.

Aidou: Fine. [*muttered* ...stupid douchebag]

*Kaname bitch slaps him again*

Meanwhile on the deck, Yuuki rests on Aidou's deck chair.

Yuuki: Ahh... For once I could be separated from chairman.

Suddenly Aidou comes charging in like a bull.

Aidou: HELP! My room is on fire! HIT THE POOP DECK!

Shiki: . . . What?

Ruka: Ew.

Aidou: Ugh! Whatever! Hit the poop deck! *Aidou flops to the floor*

Kain walks out of Aidou's room.

Kain: Muahwahwa! I lit your room on fire. *Kain walks to the edge of the ship* SEE YA LATER, BOMBSHELL! *and he jumped off*

As Kain was falling he realized that he couldn't swim.

Once he fell into the water he screamed like a girl.

Kain: OMG!!! HELP!!! I CAN'T SWIM!!

Ruka: Don't worry Kain! I'll save you! *she walked to the edge* Wait, never mind, I can't swim either.

Ichijo: *cheerfully* Go on, save 'em! *He pushed Ruka over*

Zero: Great! Who's gonna save her?!

Rima: Well, who should we save?

Aidou: Neither *crosses his arms*

**LOOOONGG PAUSE**

Everyone (except Yuuki, who's trying to put out the fire): Ruka.

Kaname: Don't worry Ruka. We'll throw you that donut looking thingy so grab it!

They throw the donut. As Ruka tried to grab it, Kain did too.

Ruka: Hey! Bugger off! *she kicks Kain's face so he can let go*

They pulled the rope.

Kaname: Ugh. *straining* SO... FAT! Urgh.. *Kaname looks back behind him* SHIKI! AIDOU! What the hell are you doing?!

Shiki and Aidou are doing a scene from TITANIC at the front tip of the ship. Shiki was holding Aidou's waist in front of him as Aidou had his arms spread out. (Obviously they are no longer paying attention to the situation at hand)

Aidou: *squealing and talking in a girly voice* Oh Shiki! I'm free! I'm FLYING! Whee!!!

Shiki: *Struggling* Ugh, oh, you're.. so... Fat!

Kaname: SHIKI!!!!!!!

Shiki: *drops Aidou* Dammit, WHAT?!

Aidou: I'm FALLING! *Aidou falls into the ocean*

Kaname: Help us out here!

Shiki: Otay.

They all pull together and save Ruka.

Kaname: All right. Now Kain--

Ichijo: Yeah, he drowned.

Kaname: Oh okay. Wait, where's Aidou?

Shiki: Who cares?

Kaname: True. Anywhoo--

Suddenly Yuuki taps him on the shoulder.

Kaname: What?!

Yuuki pointed at Aidou's room which was still on fire but twice the size it used to be.

Kaname: Okay, thanks. *turns back to talk to Ichijo* So anyway-- *he does a double take at the room* YUUKI! WHAT DID YOU DO?!

Yuuki: I was trying to put out the fire and while I was doing that I saw some kind of liquid near by. So I dunked it into the fire to help put it out but then I realized it was gasoline.

Zero: Stupid head. *sighs shaking his head* Don't you know that gasoline is a solid?!

Yuuki: Ohhhhh... HIT THE POOP DECK!

**KABOOOM!*

Ruka: We're sinking! I can't swim!

Ichijo: Get on Rima's back!

Ruka climbs onto Rima's back.

Rima: *straining* Ugh... They're right.. You are fat. Quit eating so much!

Ruka: Hush child. Now MUSH! ONWARD!!!

Everyone else is able to swim and they are in the water.

Yuuki: *points* Look! An island!

Kaname: Everyone swim toward the island!

1 hours later they reach the island.

Zero: Ugh.. So hungry. *he bites Yuuki* Okay, I'm good.

Meanwhile, Kaname was on his knees praying.

Kaname: Dear God. Please send me down some food.

*A fish falls down in front of Kaname*

Kaname: THANK YOU! And if you're not to busy can you hurt Kiryuu? Amen-eth.

* * *

Zero: Look here! We're stranded on an island! Can you at least show some compassion by giving me a review?!

**Hey! Zero is cranky! BUt really, we need some reviews and ideas please. **

**IF YOU REVIEW you'll find out how Kain got back, how chairman cross showed up, and what happens in the end in the second half!**


	4. Shitty Vacation on a Cruise part II

Kaname: Ameneth.

[Kaname snuck the fish away from the others and was about to eat it until--

Zero: What are you hiding?!

Yuuki: FISH!!! Gimme!!!!

Kaname: No! God gave it to me. Get your own, bitch!

[So everyone got down on their knees and prayed.]

Yuuki: God, please give me pudding.

Rima: God, please give me pocky.

Shiki: Please give me a potato.

Ichijo: God, please give me Todai.

Zero: Please give me anyone to eat.

[Everyone got what they wished for except Zero who received a lightening bolt from heaven instead.]

Zero: DAMNIT!

[No one paying much attention to Zero.]

Rima: Hey Ruka what did you wish for?

Ruka: Kain.

Yuuki: Eh?! But we all saw him commit suicide!

Ruka: THenwhy is he out there? [*she points at the figure far away paddling, screaming like a girl, "HEEELLLPP MMEEEEEE I CAN'T SWIM!!!"]

Yuuki & Rima: Ohhh...

Kaname: Whatever, he can handle himself.

**1 HOURS LATER**

Kain: *pant pant* Finally! *pant* I think I know how to *pant* swim now!

Ruka: No you don't! [*she pushes Kain back into the ocean]

Kain: *screaming like a girl* AAAHHHHHH!!!! NNNOOOO!!! HELP I CAN'T SWIM!!

Yuuki: Kain, the water is only 2 inches past your knee.

Kain: Ohh...

[Suddenly a huge wave comes out of nowhere and drags Kain back into the ocean.]

Kain: AAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! HEEEELLLLPPP!!!! I'M DIEING!!! NNOOOO!!!

[Everyone watches Kain drown.]

Kaname: AMAZING! Kain drowned at 5 feet! New record! [*takes out a notepad and pen and scribbles it down]

Ichijo: Its so cool that Kain has the lowest and manliest voice out of all of us except he screams like a fan girl!

Shiki: Yeah and when he's constipated.

Yuuki: Wait- Ruka if you wished for Kain why did you push him back into the ocean?

Ruka: I wanted to watch him suffer.

Yuuki: But I thought you love each other.

Ruka: We do... in our own special way.

Zero: Since he drowned can I eat him?!

[Lightening bolt strikes down at Zero for the 23rd time.]

Zero: DAMNIT WHAT?!

From heaven: ZERO! THOU ARE NOT A CANNIBAL!

Zero: SHUT UP JAMES EARL JONES!

Zero: Why is everyone against me? You think its funny that I always get into shit?! Nobody understands me, you guys are all mother-- [blah blah blah.]

[Zero is still ranting on about his teenage drama queen life.]

Rima: *whispers to Shiki (about Zero)* Ah the beauty of the teenage life. Do you think he's pms-ing?!

Shiki: *whispers back to Rima* Maybe. Or he could be... be going... going... going through... through...

Rima: WHAT?!

Shiki: ... PUBERTY!!!!

Rima: Ohhh... SO DOES THAT MEAN HE'LL GROW BOOBS?!

[Back to Zero. Kinda shouting at the sky?]

Zero: You think its funny God to watch me suffer?!?! What did I do to you?! I bet your laughing from hitting me with lightening!!! HUH?! Wanna watch me suffer like you want?! SMITE ME AGAIN OH MIGHTY SMITER!!!

[Lightening comes down on Zero again.]

Zero: WHAT THE HELL?!?!

Rima: Oh haha. That was me.

Zero: WTF IS YOUR PROBLEM?!

Rima: *puts her hands on her hips* Don't give me that attitude when you said, "SMITE ME OH MIGHTY SMITER!"

[Zero silently fumes into the forest.]

**1 WEEK LATER AT CROSS ACADEMY **

Chairman Cross: Where are all my night class babies?!

**BACK TO THE ISLAND PLACE THINGY**

Zero: Urrggghh... So hungry.

[Zero sees a trail of blood and starts licking the trail. Suddenly it stops, he looks up.]

Zero: *Gasp!* Oh my God! You got a, PENIS! Jk YOU GOT A KNIFE!

[The retarded freak with red and blue eyes suddenly stabbed Zero.]

Zero: *Gasps in shock* Ow...

Rido: Oh... Its YOU!!!

Zero: Urgh. *glares at Rido* Stabbing my penis is a waste of time.

Rido: That's why I did it for you! Your welcome!

Zero: THank yo-- wait--

[Rido takes Zero's gun.]

Zero: Hey! Give me back my baby! I named her Dora!

Rido: *points the gun at Zero* See ya later bombshell!

Zero: *suddenly stops struggling under Rido's fat foot (for he had an epiphany)* Hey! That's what Kain said after he lit Aidou's room on fire!

_--Flashback--_

_Kain: Muahwahwa! I lit your room on fire. *Kain walks to the edge of the ship* SEE YA LATER, BOMBSHELL! *and he jumped off*_

Zero: *sigh* Classic...

Rido: Ohhhh... Okay. See ya later bombshell! [*pulls the trigger*]

**CLICK** water squirts out.

Rido: DAMNIT! I just wanted to kill this emo!

[Yuuki comes in!!]

Yuuki: NOOOO!!!!

[Rido and YUuki fight and punch each other... though it looks more like they're playing pat-a-cake on each other's bodies.]

Zero: Urgh... Must...get.. KNIFE... out ...of.. PENIS!

[Rido beats Yuuki to the ground and gets on top of her, punching her shitless.]

**Kkrrrccchhh!!**

Zero: Aha! Yay I got the knife out! *aims knife at Rido* *whispers to himself, "Lets settle this man to freak."* YO RIDO DAWG!

Rido: *not looking up 'cause he's still punching Yuuki* DAMNIT WHAT?! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BUSY BEATING UP MY NIEC--! *Rido FINALLY looks up at Zero.*

**KKrrrccchhh!!!*

[The knife goes straight into Rido's eye. He groans and falls to the side.]

Zero: YEEESSS!!! BULLS EYE!!! uh... RIDO'S EYE! BOO YAH!

30 MINUTES LATER YUUKI WAKES UP AND THE NIGHT CLASS FINDS THEM

Yuuki: How is this faggot still alive?!

Shiki: Hi DAD!

Kaname: UNCLE RIDO?!?! IS THAT YOU?!?!

Rima: Why is he crawling around in circles?!

Zero: *Takes out camera and points it at Rido* Okay night class get in the background! HEY RIDO! SMILE!

[Rido smiles to the picture, then dies.]

Kaname: Finally! He's dead! Okay night class! Time to do our battle cry!

Everyone: HHHEEEELLLLPPPP!!!!!!!!!

Shiki: HHHHEEEEELLLLPP---!! Wait, what are we doing?!

Rima: Calling for help.

[They hear a rustling sound in the bushes.]

Kaname: JAMES EARL JONES?!?!

Yuuki: DAMNIT! ITS CHAIRMAN! And I was so happy to be separated from him.

Ichijo: How in the world can you get James Earl Jones mixed up with Cross Kaien?!

Kaname: Idk.

Chairman Cross: Hurrah! I found you! Now let's go!

Zero: Go where? We're stranded on an island. WAIT! How did you get here?!

Chairman Cross: Stranded island? What are you talking about?! This isn't an island. I drove a hour from school to here..................dumass. Anywhoo, let's all get into my rapist looking van and go!

**IN THE "CROSS MOBILE"**** ON THE WAY BACK**

Ichijo: Umm... Zero.. *cough*... ummm... *cough cough* uhh.... *cough cough*

Ruka: Ugh I'll just say it. YOUR BALLS ARE BLEEDING!!!

Shiki: So he IS pms-ing!

Rima: Does that mean he'll grow boobs?!?!

[...]

* * *

**EPILOGUE**

**1 WEEK LATER AT CROSS ACADEMY- IN CHAIRMAN CROSS'S OFFICE**

Zero: Why the hell am I wearing a girl's uniform?!?!

Yuuki: *whispers to Zero* Your balls were cut off remember? CONGRATS!

[Zero silently fuming.]

Chairman Cross: As I was saying. How was the vacation?!

Yuuki: That was a week ago, why are asking now?!

Zero: We were stranded on an island for a week. WHAT DO YOU THINK?!?!

Chairman Cross: Aw Kiryuu-kun it wasn't an island though.

Zero in his head: Says the idiot who watches movies on butterfly fairies.

Yuuki: To make it brief, Kain lit Aidou's room on fire and drowned twice, the boat sank and we swam, we got stuck on an island and prayed to God and everyone got what they wanted except Zero got rejected---

Chairman Cross: Burn! A slap in the face!

[Zero slaps Chairman in the face.]

YUuki:-- and Zero saw Rido and got stabbed in the balls. Yeah... Oh and Aidou and Shiki were doing the Titanic scene at the tip of the ship.

Chairman Cross: *sniff* Ah So beautiful. I remember when Yagari and I did the "I'm flying" scene too, once. *sigh* Good times, good times.

[Kaname comes in.]

Kaname: Chairman Cross, we have located Aidou in... AFRICA!!!

Chairman Cross: *Gasp!* Okay.

[Kaname leaves.]

Chairman Cross: Well, its seems like all of you had a GREAT time! Did you bring anything back? Souvenirs?

YUuki: Yeah. [*Holds up the picture of Rido and everyone else. Rido was smiling at the camera looking like the creeper he is but with also a knife in eye and doing the peace sign while Kaname had his arm draped around his shoulders like they're best buddies and pointing at him with his mouth opened happily. In the background Yuuki was doing the pwn-ed thing at Ruka while Shiki was on the left, waning and Rima did a gay jump in the air and Ichijo (and other night class students) were cut off by Zero's finger in the picture.

Chairman Cross: *Sniff* So beautiful!

[An African American guy barges into the room.]

Aidou: I'M BAAACCCKKKK!!!

YUuki: Aidou?! Is that you?!

[Yagari comes in after Aidou.]

Yagari: I went to Africa to visit my grandma and I find him instead! All dark and taking a crap near my yard! Well, whatever I brought him back. See ya later, bombshells! MARSHMELLOW POWER!

**BOOM!**

[...]

Chairman Cross: ... *in a whispering voice* Everybody make a wish.

Zero: Yagari, I knoiw you're hiding behind the curtains.


	5. Tic tacs

_One day at Cross Academy_

Headmaster: Okay let's all go to the beach, Night class!

Night class: Okay.

_1 and a half hours later_

Headmaster: We're here!

Shiki: *stepping out of the car* FINALLY! I was so close to dying from a farting Ichijo next to me during the ride.

Night class: *silence*

Headmaster: I know...I tried to get the crappiest beach I could find.

Night class: Great!

Headmaster: Okeydokey! Let's go!

Everyone: FOR NARNIA! *they all charge toward the beach*

_30 minutes later_

Zero: Hey. Has anyone seen Kain and Yuuki?

Everyone: No.

Aidou: Thank God they're not here. I can't stand their bad duet of singing "A part of your world."

Somewhere in the distance: PART OF YOUR-WOOOORRRRRLLLLLDDDD~~

Zero looks around.

Zero: Kain! Yuuki! Wherefore art thou?

Kain: Yo emo dawg! I'm right here bra!

Zero: *gasps. looks at the sky* GOD?

Kain: No you dumdum over here!

Zero: *screams* KAIN HOW DID YOU GET OVER THERE! I THOUGHT YOU CAN'T SWIM!

Kain: AND I THOUGHT YOU COULDN'T SCREAM ANYMORE GIRLIER THAN ME! WAIT- WHY ARE WE YELLING?

Zero: I DON'T KNOW!

Kain: OKAY! BUT LOOK!

something rises out of the water next to Kain

Zero: OMG! SHARK!

Kain: NO! ITS A FIN!

Zero: *GASPS, SLAPS HIMSELF, DOES A DOUBLE TAKE, GASPS AGAIN* ARE YOU A MERMAID?

Kain: merMAN! It hurts to admit but yes.

Zero: *trying not to faint* you? A MERMAID? ROFLMAOUID!

_A few moments later._

Zero: So where's Yuuki?

Yuuki: YO ZORRO DAWG!

Zero: *gasps. looks up at the sky* GOD?

Yuuki: STUPID! Over here!

Zero: *gasps* YUUKI! YOUR A MERMAID TOO? Wait- you can't be a mermaid! You have NO BOOBS!

Yuuki: Neither do you.

Zero: *scoffs and looks at his own chest, then looks at Yuuki's* hmm... Nice racks. Where did you get the seashells?

Yuuki: They have EVERYTHING at Jc pennys! Wait- you perve!

Zero: So I guess your juggs are bigger than Maria's?

YUuki: pff. EVERYBODY'S JUGGS ARE BIGGER THAN MARIA'S!

Zero: ... So how did you get *makes round circular motions* them?

Yuuki: I heard that you could get bigger boobs if you put ice on them so I asked Aidou if he could ice these babies for me.

Zero: *looks at his own boobs and smiles*

_A few minutes later._

Zero: Hey Aidou can you freeze my boobs for me.

Aidou: Fine since you don't have any funbags. *smiles and grabs Zero's titties and freezes them*

Zero: *screams* FROSTBITE! OMFG AIDOU YOU MOTHER -beep- -beep-HOLE! LOOK WHAT YOU -beep- DID TO THEM -beep- BEAUTIFUL BOOBIES YOU DUMB -beep-bag-beep-head retarded -beep- ugly mother -beep- fag you son of a mother -beep-beep- ...

_30 minutes later in the Emergency room_

Zero: *Crying and snotting on his 56th tissue* They -sniff- they cut off -sniff- they cut off my -sniff- BOOBS! WAAAAHHHHH!

Kain: *hops into the room with his mermaid tail* Those bastards!

Zero: They're using it for tests. -sniff-

Kain: *gasp!* Using frozen boobies for tests. Like I said, bastards.

Zero: *starting to cry more*

Kain: hey hey. Look on the bright side. You're not Lady Gaga anymore. You're dickless AND boobless!

Zero: *sniff* Thanks. I'm starting to feel better- HEY!

_Mean while back at the beach_

Yuuki: KYAH! Its Mori-sempai from Ouran High School Host Club!

Headmaster: HAWT

Ruka: GAY

Ichijo: I didn't know he was a mermaid too.

Mori: uh huh.

Shiki: I bet you didn't know this either. *pulls down his pants*

EVERYONE: *gasp!* SHIKI!

Shiki: what?

Rima: You're a girl?

Ichijo: Hmm... I'm not sure.. But there's a tiny tic tac there alright.

Kaname: And I bet you didn't know THIS either. *Kaname takes off his clothes*

Everyone stares in such shock that they couldn't even gasp. But Mori-sempai gasped.

_Back at the hospital (not too far away)_

Doctor: Okay you can go now, we're all done testing the frozen breasts.

Zero: Will my boobs grow back? Because I already know my balls won't.

Doctor: Sadly, no.

Zero: *crying face T.T*

_On their way out (Kain was falling a lot so now he's rolling and flopping) they heard a loud gay voice in the distance._

Headmaster: KANAME! YOU'RE-YOU'RE-YOU'RE-

Kaname: JUST SPIT IT OUT OLD MAN!

Headmaster: YOU'RE A FEMBOT?

Kaname: YOU COULD JUST CHECK AGAIN! AND SO? AT LEAST MY JUGGS ARE BIGGER THAN MARIA'S!

Headmaster: FOR THE LAST TIME, EVERYONE'S JUGS ARE BIGGER THAN MARIA'S! EXCEPT TOGA'S!

Maria: I'm right here you know.

Toga: Me too. And my juggs ARE bigger than MARIA'S!

Zero: NIIICEEE...

**_Epilogue_**

Rido appears to the Night Class while everyone is getting back into Cross's rapist mobile van thingy. Shiki spots him first.

Shiki: Hey dad!

Rido: Hey girl!

Shiki: Guess what? Everyone found out that Kaname is a fembot!

Rido: *gasp!* They did? *sigh* Shiki. There is something that I should have told you a loooong time ago in a galaxy far far away.

Shiki: Uhh dad. We all live in this galaxy.

Rido: Right. Anyway there is something that you should have known. I am your father!

Shiki: I know that!

Rido: Oh wait, wrong line. *sighs* Shiki. I don't know where to start. Oh wait I do. Kaname isn't the only one who has fembot boobs. *Rido rips his shirt open and the buttons fly off. He puffs his chest proudly* I TOO AM A FEMBOT! And you too will one day become one and join our fembot family.

Shiki: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...

Rima: :)


	6. Windex x Lax

**_Thank you for the marvelous reviews! And for the person who suggested the singing thing (*wink* you know who you are), thank you for the idea and so we changed it up a bit and came up with a story with it. It may be in the next chappie or in the future. Thank you everyone!_**

_One day at Cross Academy._

Headmaster: Zero, its the third quarter of the second semester in school and your grades are falling apart. You need to study more and do better!

Zero: Tch. Says the guy..or girl that put me on the disciplinary committee.

Headmaster: but..but... Zero, you are like a sister to me.

Zero: !

Headmaster: ...an ugly manly sister without boobs.

Zero: Ey! I took the job so I could do what ever I want, harass everyone without getting into trouble when ever I want. Besides, I don't take no crap from you and so I don't take no crap from no body!

Headmaster: What did you say? (*swipes Zero's gun away.)

Zero: NOOO! DORA!

Headmaster: You better watch your mouth or else I'm gonna blow your beans off!

Zero: *gasps!* my bean? *clutches his man pants*

Headmaster: Yo beans, sister! Yo hairy, stinkin' beans!

Zero: NOOO!

Yuuki pops out of no where.

Yuuki: Heheh too bad he doesn't have any beans.

Headmaster starts to walk away.

Yuuki: *smirks at Zero* Too bad he didn't take any of your crap, Zero. You would've have really told him off!

Zero: *wails* DORAAAAAA!

_5 minutes later in the Headmaster's office_

Zero breaks down the door.

Zero: Give me my Dora and some skittles or else! *Zero holds something against Headmaster's face.*

Headmaster: *trying not to show his fear* ... Zero. That is a very dangerous weapon you are wielding.

Zero: Give what I asked for back or else I will do it! I'll spray you with my... *looks at the side of the object and reads the label*... with my WINDEX!

Headmaster: NEVER!

_SSSSSS~~_

Headmaster: AAAHHHH! *covers his eyes* It burns! *He stops and realizes he has glasses on* Aha! PROTECTION!

Zero takes the glasses and breaks them.

Headmaster: *gasp!* You broke my glasses.

Zero: You stole my gun.

Headmaster: But those were prescript-

_SSSSSSSSSSSSSSS~~_

Headmaster: AAAHHHH!

_The next day_

Headmaster: Zero, there's a level E vampire in town. Take Yuuki to go with you and hunt it down.

Ruka: I'm not Zero.

Headmaster: But you sure do look like him.

Ruka: How would you know? I heard you got blinded by Windex. Tsktsk, such dangerous products.

Headmaster Cross is looking for Zero.

Headmaster: Hey Zero-

Aidou: Not Zero!

Headmaster: So Zero-

Ichijo: Not him!

Headmaster: Zero I need you to-

Rido: Sorry not him. Please leave a message!

Headmaster: Zero-

Ichiou: Why am I here?

Headmaster: Kiryuu-kun-

Ichiru: Yeah?

Headmaster: Hurrah! I finally found you Zero-

Ichiru: WRONG TWIN!

_After the 104th time (Headmaster kept on running into a lot of walls, trees, Kaname taking a shower, cats, Maria's juggs, and the girl's bathroom.)_

Headmaster: Finally Zero I need you to-

Ruka: Oh my god I just saw you an hour ago.

Headmaster: [...]

Headmaster: Zero-

Zero: Not him! Haha just kidding. Yeah?

Headmaster: FINALLY! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

Zero: Behind you the whole time.

Headmaster: But I did turn around! And I ran into Maria's juggs!

Zero: *rubbs his chin* Oh yeah... That was that one time.

Headmaster: Then why didn't anyone tell me you were behind me the whole time?

Zero: Because they think it's funny that you is blind.

Headmaster: OH YEAH? Well you is deaf!

Zero: What you say?

_A few minutes later (After we all calmed down)_

Headmaster: Zero there is a level E vampire in town and I need you to hunt it down. Take Yuuki with you.

Zero: Okay.

_In the town_

Zero: There's no level E in to-

Yuuki holds her hand up to silence him.

Zero: What?

Yuuki: *whispers* I layed a trail of Lucky Charms so it can come to us. It will be here in 3..2..1..0...

Zero: DAMNIT WHERE IS IT?

Suddenly a level E vampire that looked drunk and retarded jumped in front of Zero. (Zero and the vampire are fighting.)

Yuuki: Ohhh there it is! No there it is! It keeps moving!

Zero: *screams like Kain* AAAHHHHH! Die zombie! *closes his eyes and sprays Windex everywhere.

Level E: Aw! You got my pants wet! Wait- AARRRGGGHHH MY EYES! IT BURNS!

YUuki: You look constipated. Here have some lax kinda thingy that looks like bunny poop medicine!

Level E takes it, farts, and dies.

Zero: So THATS what you gave Headmaster last time!

-_FLASHBACK-_

_At home_

_Zero: I can't believe you stuck a handful of lax in his mouth when he was choking! Not constipated! He's been stinking up the whole house and school lately from his nasty gassys every like 3 minutes for the past two weeks! Classes have been cancelled and Four students have currently died this month! And one of them was Rima and no one came to her funeral... except Toga.. which I don't know why._

_Yuuki: Don't worry it only lasts for like 6 to 9 months!_

_Zero: 69 MONTHS?_

_Yuuki: No dumass 6 TO 9 MONTHS! Dude your deaf! Anywhoo... It's not so bad. You get used to it after a while._

_Zero: Yeah right! I smell like the atmosphere now! *sniffs armpit* WHOOOO! And also, Yagari-sensei is coming over A LOT more than he usually-_

_Yuuki: he never came over_.

_Zero: Oh yeah. But really, I think he's the only one who likes the smell._

_Yuuki: But then again, he wears a metallic eye patch and Headmaster skips and sings barbie girl. Have you ever seen Toga without his eye patch I mean he would probably have a sunburn or tan or something because half of his face is white and the other half is probably darker._

_Zero: He's like half and half. But I will tell you what I did see of him when I was younger. I accidentally walked in on them singing and dancing to "Single Ladies" by Beyonce in the Sauna room, NAKED!_

_Yuuki: Well everyone is naked at saunas._

_Zero: True. But it's another proof of their gayness_.

-_flashback end-_

_back to reality_

Zero: Okay we killed the level E now let's take the Cross mobile and get ba-

Yuuki: We can't. You ran it into a bodega remember?

Zero: Fine. Let's call Rima-

YUuki: She's dead.

A car passes by and honks at them. The window rolls down.

Yuuki: UNCLE RIDO?

Zero: I wonder why he keeps showing up.

Rido: Hiya Barbie!

Zero: Hi Rido!

Rido: Wanna go for a ride?

Zero: Sure Rido!

Rido: Well forget it. I'll take Yuuki, not you.

Yuuki: See ya later! *gets into car and drives back to school*

But no more than 10 seconds, they ran into a bodega... that Zero ran into with the Cross mobile. The car flipped over.

Yuuki: *scrambles out of the car* Urgh.

Rido: Help me...

Yuuki: Sure! *closes the car door for him* Bye!

_Back at the academy_

Headmaster: Congrats! You two have managed to go through one day without your weapons!

Zero: huh?

Yuuki: He took my weapon away too, but I don't know why.

-_FLASHBACK-_

_23.4 hours ago_

_Headmaster: Yuuki get me some water._

_Yuuki: There's coffee right in front you!_

_Headmaster: So?_

_Yuuki: *in her head* Hmph.. Fatass gaylor-_

_Headmaster: THE WATER PUHLEASE?_

_Yuuki fetches the water and returns_.

_Yuuki: Look! I'm Aquaman! Ha! *she flings the water at his face*_

_Headmaster: ARRGGGHHH!_

_Yuuki looks down and notices a wet spot in front of his pants._

_Yuuki: DUDE! Did you already run out of those diapers Aunt Bootsy got you?_

_Headmaster: Yagari took some!_

_-Flashback end-_

Yuuki: Oh yeah...

Headmaster: Anyway, can I see what you used to defeat the vampire?

Zero and Yuuki hand over the Windex and lax.

Headmaster:... Yuuki... Where did you get lax?

Yuuki: Coffee Bean.

Headmaster: Okay here are your weapons back.

Zero and Yuuki: YAY! *they jump and belly flop each other*

_Epilogue_

_The Next day_

YUuki: It's good to have our weapons back.

Zero: Yeah. But I can't believe it costed us $799.99, each.

They see Headmaster walking around at a distance.

Yuuki: Hey I wonder if he's still blind.

Zero: hmm...

_5 minutes later_

Ruka: Why I am dressed up as Zero?

Rido: And why am I dressed up like YUuki? Does this skirt make my thighs look fat? But I look cute huh! *twirls around*

Zero: You're pretending to be us because Headmaster is still blind and its funny.

Ruka: Good point.

Headmaster: Ugh I give up looking for them. I'm going back to my room. *Turns around and is about to go back* URGH! *he ran into Maria's juggs*

_In front of the office._

Zero: *whispers* Okay. Ruka speak in a guy voice and Rido, as a girl. Now get in there!

Ruka (Zero) and Rido (YUuki) knock on the door.

Headmaster saying to himself: *gasp!* What if its those cops that were strangely following me around? *he takes Toga's gun and goes opens the door a little* Who's there? I've got a gun!

Ruka: *manly voice* It's just Ruka- I mean Zero and Yuuki, Chairman!

Headmaster: Okay! Come in. YUuki? You seem taller? Did your thighs grow?

Rido *girly voice* Ugh! *slaps Chairman* Never call a girl fat if you want to live!

RUka: So why did you call us?

Headmaster: Yes yes. ARE YOU THE BURGLAR?

Ruka and Rido: Huh?

Headmaster: Where's my car?

Rido: In a bodega.

Headmaster: Why?

Rido: Yuuki told me Zero ran it into a bodega while we were driving back to school. I MEAN! *more girly voice* Zero told me he ran it into a bodega on our way back to school!

Headmaster: *furious* WHAAAAAT?

Headmaster takes Toga's gun and tries to shoot "Zero." But he shot Rido instead.

Rido: Oh no! Now it's time for me to join Rima in the grave! Oh yeah before I die we came in here to give you this fine. The cops were looking for you for that.

Rido dies!

Ruka: OH FINALLY!


	7. Vampire Knight IDOL! part I

**HELLO MY AWESOME FANTABULOUS READERS! THANKS TO ONE OF MY READER'S SUGGESTION *WINKWINK* WHO I THANKED LAST CHAPPIE *YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE* WE CAME UP WITH A TWISTED NEW STORY! WHOO! WELCOME VAMPIRE KNIGHT IDOL! (NOT AIDOU! IDOL!) HEHEH CONTINUE READING ON~**

It was night time at Cross Academy but classes were cancelled because there was a dangerous terrible storm outside and a tree fell and crushed Zero. They're blocking the path.

Yuuki: So classes have been cancelled and we're all bored because we have no life. Any objections?

Ruka: Yeah yeah yeah whatever. Anywhoo! We will have a contest!

Ichijo: on what?

Ruka: On YOUR GRANDADDY! Haha just kidding. A variety contest is what we shall do.

Toga: Why am I here?

_A few minutes later..._

Yuuki: Okay! So the following people wrote their names down on this paper to participate. *reads the names off the paper* The following participants are: Ruka, Kain, Ichijo, Kaname, Aidou, Kaien Cross, Toga, Kaname, and George Bush **(*insert less than symbol)**3. Wait who put George Bush?

Ruka: *reads the paper* UGH! GEORGE BUSH IS NOT LESS THAN THREE! WHO PUT THAT?

Rido: Hehehe I did.

Shiki: But dad I voted for Al Gore!

Aidou: You're right Ruka. George Bush is sooo not less than 3... He's less than 0.

Zero (outside in the storm where the three- I mean tree crushed him): YESSSS!

_Back to the main scene._

Yuuki: Anywhoo everyone has exactly 1 hour and 2 seconds to prepare and come back here. Then we shall start!

_1 hour and 3 seconds later_

Yuuki: I SAID 1 HOUR AND 2 SECONDS LATER PEOPLE!

Yori: And George Bush is disqualified because he is not here.

Ruka and Rido: Awww...

Shiki: YESSS!

Yuuki: Okay and your judges today are me, Yuuki! and Yori-chan, and Uncle Rido!

Kaname: *whispers to Rido* VOTE FOR ME UNCLE RIDO! I'M YOUR FAVORITE NEPHEW!

Rido: Your my ONLY nephew.

Kaname: Exaaaaacccttttllllyyyy *wink*...

Yuuki: First up is.. *takes out a piece of paper from Rido's pants and reads the name* KAIN! YOUR UP FIRST! GET YOUR FIRE BREATHING ASS UP ON THE STAGE!

Kain walks onto the stage.

KAin: Uhh yeah I made a rap and I'M GONNA BEAT EVERYONE HERE! Yo Aidou gimme a beat!

Aidou starts beep boxing.

Kain: ~Yo my name is Kain

and I hate the damn rain

thats making me stuck with him~ *points at Aidou*

Aidou: *puts his hands in the air* WHAT?

Kain: ~Its such an f-in pain

and I'm startin to go insane

so I'll pull down my pants and WANE~

Aidou: OH! WHAT BITCH WHAT? (*meanwhile, Yori-chan is thinking rapping is not a good career for Aidou*)

Kain pulls down his pants and starts waning.

Seiren barfs. Kaname wolf whistles. Toga starts crying (because it smells like onions), Shiki tries to take a closer look but falls off his chair, Rima faints, Kaien Cross is sniffing the air, and Rido smiles and tries to take a closer look (and tries to wane with him).

Yuuki: SIT BACK DOWN UNCLE RIDO!

Ruka: Oh damn that's just nasty!

Shiki: C'mon Ruka. You know you like to tap that ass.

Yuuki: Okay let's see what our judges comment.

Yori: Aidou is a sucky rapper.

Yuuki: KAIN PULL YOUR PANTS BACK UP!

Rido: HAWT! *tries to take a picture*

Yuuki: OKAY NEXT IS RUKA! GO!

Ruka: *walks onto the stage* MY RAP IS EVEN BETTER THAN KAIN'S! I'M GONNA BEAT ALL YO ASSES! AIDOU! DOWN ME A BEAT DAWG!

Aidou: YOU TOO? Fine. *starts beep boxing again*

Ruka: ~Yo my name is Paco

and I work at Del Taco

making two pesos a day~

Aidou: UH!

Ruka: ~When I come home to my honey

he takes all mai money

he takes my two pesos away~

Aidou: OWNED!

Kain: AIDOU WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON ANYWAY? Oh yeah that one time I did take Ruka's money.

YUuki: Let us see what the judges have to say!

Yori: Ruka, your name is not Paco.

Ruka: Nothing rhymed with Ruka.

Ichijo: FUKA!

Kaname: PUCCA!

Everyone stares at him curiously and stupidly.

Kaname: You know, Pucca! The character with the two black BALLS on her head.

Everyone: ohhh

Toga: HOOKA!

Ruka: Well you guys are all going Jamaican accents!

Yuuki: No comment.

Rido: Hey I work at Del Taco! But they only give me 1 PESO! THIS IS DICRIMINATION JUST BECAUSE I'M A TWO DIFFERENT COLORED EYE FREAK!

Yuuki: Ohh yeaahh... Uncle Rido gave me Del Taco coupons for my birthday...

Rido: *continues on* And just to let you know, even I could have done a better rap with your name in it. Aidou gimme a beat!

Aidou: Too late I'm out of breath... Wait I gotta go to the loo. *leaves the room*

Rido:*continues on* Anyway

~ Yo my name is Ruka

and I like to fuka

with Pucca

because I'm a hooka!~

Everyone applauds.

Rido: *bows and starts sniffling* Thank you thank you! I made it myself!

Ruka cries and runs out of the room into the girls bathroom, into the stall. But she screams when she sees Aidou in there.

Aidou: *looks up at her from reading "What Pregnant Ladies Should Do"* Ugh can't a guy take a dump in peace?

Ruka: This is the girl's bathroom.

Aidou: OHHH...

_Back where everyone else is..._

Yuuki: Next is Ichijo!

Ichijo walks up to the stage.

Ichijo: HIT IT!

The lights turn off and a disco ball appears. "Reach for the stars" karaoke starts to play.

Ichijo: This is for you Kaname. *winks at Kaname* *starts singing in a really bad scratchy screaming girly voice*

~WHEN THE WOOOOORRLLLDD,LEAVES YOU FEELING BLUEEE

YOU CAN COUNT ON MEEEE, I WILL BE THERE FOR-~

Rido, Yori, and Yuuki: NEXT!

The lights turn back on, everything is back to normal.

Yuuki: Kaien Cross! Go! And Ichijo get off the stage!

Kaien: Nooooo! He is my duet partner. Music please!

Time to say goodbye starts playing. (**A/N: Its some opera thing by Sara and Andrew somethingy. It's on youtube.)**

Kaien and Ichijo: ~TIIIIMMMEEE TOOOOOO SAY GOOOOOOODDBYYYYYE-

Yuuki, Yori, Rido, AND KANAME: NEXT!

Kaien: It's alright, I forgot the next line anyway.

Yori: You had an hour to prepare for this.

Kaien: AND 2 SECONDS!

Yuuki: Toga! Get your ass up there! And Kaien and Ichijo get off the stage!

Kaien: B-But I'm his backup dancer! Ichijo get off! HIYAH! *he super kicks Ichijo off the stage* KAIEN LIKEA PUMA!

Toga gets on the stage and "Single Ladies" (by Beyonce) turns on.

Rido: *gasp* I love this song! *runs to the stage and starts dancing with Toga and Cross before Yuuki could refrain him*

Toga, Kaien, Rido, AND EVEN AIDOU IN THE BATHROOM start singing: ~ALL THE SINGLE LADIES!

ALL THE SINGLE LADIES!

ALL THE SINGLE LADIES!

ALL THE SINGLE LADIES!

ALL THE SINGLE LADIES!

ALL THE SINGLE LADIES!

ALL THE SINGLE LADIES!

NOW PUT YOUR HANDS UP!~

All the guys puts their hands up, even Aidou in the bathroom.

During the rest of the act Rido started stripping so he lost his privilege of being a judge. The new judge was Shiki.

Yuuki: Anything to say, judges?

Yori: ... Can I go to the bathroom?

Yuuki: Sure! No comment. Shiki?

Shiki: Dad used to do that around mom. No wonder she's a nutcase now.

Meanwhile while Yori was going to the bathroom, Aidou came out.

Aidou: AH! SO REFRESHED!

Yori goes into the bathroom stall, then comes back out and throws up on Aidou.

Yori: Damn Aidou! WHAT DID YOU EAT?

Aidou: hmm... Some chicken, some steak, some pizza, Ruka, expired cheese, a fly, and 25 cents. But I only got 10 cents back.

Yori: Well at least have some air freshner! *she sprays Windex (...the scented kind) all over him and inhales deeply* AHHHHH so refreshing.

Aidou: MY EYEEEESSSS!

_Anywhoo, back to the main room._

Yuuki: Aidou has been gone for too long and he has been blinded. So our last contestant will be...DR. PHIL! Haha just kidding. Kaname get your man juggs up there!

Kaname goes up.

Everyone leans forward in their seats to take a better look at Kaname.

Ichijo: Why does he have fruits on his man boobs?

Shiki: Not just any fruits. COCONUTS.

Rima: Well, his actually bra size CANNOT be a "C". He is just using coconuts to make them look bigger.

Kaien: And he has fruits on his head.

Kaname starts singing: ~I'VE GOT A LOVELY BUNCH OF COCONUTS (*starts shaking THEM around*)

~ THERE THEY ARE ALL STANDING IN A ROW (*gestures his row of coconuts*)

~BIG ONES (*points at Rido's-who smirks triumphantly*) SMALL ONES (*points at Yuuki's- who scoffs and "hmphs" and turns away*) SOME AS BIG AS YOUR HEAD! (*Kaname points at his own *)

~GIVE THEM A TWIST A FLICK OF THE WRIST (*Kaname goes up to Aidou and gives him a titty twister*)

~ THATS WHAT THE SHOWMAN SAID! TADA (*Kaname holds his hands up in an exclaiming "V")

Everyone just stares at him.

Yori (who came back from the bathroom on time): I have no comment.

Yuuki: URGH! KANAME YOU'RE BOOBS ARE FREAKIN' FAKE AND YOU JUST ADD EXTRA PADDING! YOUR NOT EVEN A "C" BECAUSE YOU'RE ASIAN! AND DAD TOLD ME YOU GOT A BOOB JOB! AT LEAST MINE ARE 100% ORGANIC AND NATURAL!

Kaname: *scoff* WELL EXCUSE ME AT LEAST MINE ARE BIGG-

Shiki: Anyway let's continue on before it turns into a fight.

Rido: *crying because it smells like onions, wails* I WANT MY JUDGE POSITION BACCCKKKK

Shiki: Too bad you lost it me daddy.

Yuuki: Anyway is that all? Okay! **FANFIC READERS WHO ARE READING THIS! YOU MUST LEAVE A REVIEW OR A MESSAGE TO ILOVEPOCKY THE ONE PERSON YOU VOTE SHOULD WIN!**

THE CONTESTANTS WERE RUKA, WHOSE STILL IN THE BATHROOM.

KAIN! (*Kain smiles and tries to wane again*)

TOGA!(*Toga puts his "hands up!"*)

KANAME! (*Kaname stands and claps for himself and starts crying..probably 'cause it smells like onions*)

KAIEN CROSS! (*Kaien smiles and waves and cries like he's Miss America*)

AIDOU! Even though he didn't do anything. (*Aidou stands up to wave hi but runs into Maria's juggs*)

ICHIJO! (*Ichijo smiles his stupid cute smile*)

AND KANAME! Wait (*does a double take*) KANAME! QUIT PUTTING YOUR NAME IN TWICE!

Kaname: But everyone loves my name!

Yuuki: OKAY THIS IS END OF PART ONE FOR NOW BUT IN PART TWO WE WILL BE BACK WITH THE VOTES OF THE AUDIENCE, OUR READERS, AND OUR JUDGES!

Yori: Then there's no point of having judges if everyone is voting.

Yuuki: Still, it makes up look cooler. Yori can be Simon, I can be Randy, and Rido- I mean Shiki can be Paula!

Rido: *wails* I WANT TO BE PAAAUUULLLLAAA

Yuuki: SEE YOU ALL NEXT TIME, BITCHES!

**A/N: The less than symbol wouldn't come up so I had to right itout. It was supposed to look like the heart sign. REVIEW PLEASE AND LEAVE YOUR VOTE! (And our stories are not trying to offend anyone so please understand its just for fun. THANK YOU!)**


	8. Vampire Knight IDOL! part II wextra

****

**HELLO EVERYONE THANK YOU FOR THE LOVELY REVIEWS! AND I'M SO SORRY IT'S BEEN TOO LONG OF A WAIT! AND NOW WE WILL BE GOING ON TO PART TWO OF VK IDOL! WHOO!**

* * *

During the break everyone decided to go to Del Taco in California.

Inside Del Taco, in CA

Aidou is at the register.

Aidou: hmmm... I don't want to eat much so can I just have a macho burrito, three big fat tacos, two spicy jack quesadillas, a double del cheeseburger, a deluxe chili cheddar fries, a chocolate fudge cake and-

Kaname: You're taking too long. Move it! HIYAH! *Kaname bitch slaps Aidou far away*

Kaname goes next to the register.

Kaname: CAN I HAVE A HAPPY MEAL?

Toga appears next to him.

Toga: MAKE THAT TWO HAPPY MEALS.

Cashier: I'm sorry. We don't serve happy meals here. There's a Mcdonalds across the street. They serve happy meals.

Kaname and Toga: WHAT? YOU DON'T SERVE HAPPY MEALS? Urgh *Kaname bitch slaps the cashier and Toga shoots her with his gun*

Kaname: We are sooooo leaving. Let's go, Toga.

Kaname and Toga link arms and leave, heading to Mcdonalds.

Rido is next in line.

New Cashier "Paco": OMG! RIDO KURAN?

Rido:*Gasp!* Person I don't know?

Cashier Paco: It's me remember? Paco! Who works at Del Taco! And I finally got a raise so now I make THREE pesos a day.

Rido: OMG PACO! LIKE HIIII! *squeals and hugs him*

Cashier Paco: I SAW YOUR PICTURE HERE! YOU WERE FAILURE OF THE MONTH AFTER YOU BURNED DOWN THE RESTAURANT! CONGRATS!

Rido: *sniffsniff* Thank you thank you! *then he realizes something and drops Paco* EY WAIT! I worked at Del Taco for 72 years and I STILL don't get a raise! And I still earn only ONE peso a day! THIS IS DISCRIMINATION JUST BECAUSE MY NAME IS NOT PACO AND IT DOESN'T RHYME WITH DEL TACO!

YUuki: AND because you're a "two different color eyed FREAK"

The manager sees Rido.

Manager guy: *Gasp* RIDO KURAN?

Rido: *GASP!* MANAGER FABIO?

Manager Fabio throws the closest thing next to him.. which is Paco. Paco starts flying across the room.

PAco: WEEEEEE I'M FLYINGGG!

Then the manager started chasing Rido out with the most deadliest weapon that Rido feared the most. Something that made Rido want to cry just by looking at it. Something he feared more than Toga's grandma. Anyway, the manager chased Rido out with.. a slice of onion.

Rido starts crying and runs out of the restaurant.

Yuuki: (Looks at the Employee of the Month picture) Hmm... now where have I seen that face...

An hour later everyone finished eating and were getting ready to head back. Kaname and Toga joins them.

Yuuki: Hey... Where's Uncle Rido?

Kaname: Oh yeah...

-FLASHBACK-

Rido showed up out of nowhere to Mcdonalds and started eating old people's fries (and a grandma tried to whack him with her cane stick thingy), terrorizing the kids on the playplace, putting Kaname's head down the toilet, ran around naked away from the Mcdonalds mascot that was trying to rape him, and finally he got stuck in slide. So they had to evacuate the restaurant and tear the playground apart.

Once they got naked Rido out, the police arrested him and took him to jail. Shiki was the only one crying that his dad was going to jail.

-end of flashback-

They all went back to Cross Academy, Moon dorm... except for Rido. They all forgot about him.

Yuuki: OKEYDOKEY! THE VOTES ARE IN! WE WILL NOW DETERMINE THE WINNER!

Aidou: oh nastay! We're right in front of you! WHY ARE YOU HOLLERING! There's like an ocean of spit on my face! *wipes his face on Kain's pants*

Suddenly, Shiki had the most biggest realization in the world. Something that hit him so hard he fell off his chair and somehow ended up on the other side of the room cause he whacked into the wall. Everyone stares at his retarded moment.

Shiki: I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING!

Rima: What?

Shiki: AW SHAT I FORGOT TO SEND MY UNIFORM TO THE DRY CLEANERS! Even though I only wore it for like, 3 weeks straight. Oh wait, that's the "PINK" underwear I wore for 3 weeks straight. Ugh. *pull's out his cellphone and calls the place* "Hi is this the whore line? Haha just kidding, is this the dry cleaners? Oh hey PACO! I was wondering if you-" *he left the room*

Ruka: What the hell so there's a Paco that works at the Dry Cleaners? lame...

Rima: No. The Paco that works at the Dry Cleaners is asian.

Kaname: WHAT THE HELL WHY IS IT THAT EVERYONE WHO WORKS AT THE DRY CLEANERS ARE ALL ASIAN? EVEN **ILOVEPOCKY's** UNCLE IS ASIAN AND HE WORKS AT THE DRY CLEANER! THIS IS DISCRIMINATION! SO ONLY ASIANS CAN BE DRY CLEANERS WHEN THEY GROW UP? WHERE'S THE JUSTICE? I MIGHT AS WELL START DOING MY OWN LAUNDRY! RACIST BASTARDS! THOSE-

Everyone (except Kaname who is still venting): Kaname's bitch fit moment of the day.

Suddenly, Kaien Cross had an epiphany that was actually worth knowing and much more important.

Cross: *GASP! slaps himself* WHERE IS MY KIRYUUU-KUUUUNNN?

Then everyone gasps and looks around and realizes Zero isn't with them. Some even slap themselves for not being able to figure it out before Headmaster did. Everyone looks at Yuuki for an answer.

Yuuki: *looks up* Oh yeahhh...

-Flashback-

Yuuki and Zero were heading out to go to the moon dormitory because classes were cancelled and Yuuki was bored. They were walking outside in the middle of a dangerous storm.

Zero: Y-Yuuki are you sure we should be going now? Its really dangerous. What if we get hit by lightning?

Yuuki: Stupid. Lightning doesn't hit the same place twice. Unless you're wearing metal.

Out of nowhere, a flash of lightning came down on Zero.

Zero: AARRRHHHHH!

Yuuki screams and takes three steps away from him.

Yuuki: *sighs, shakes her head* That what you get for getting too many piercings. Punk wannabe.

As Zero scrambled to get up another bolt of lightning struck right next to him, on the tree. The tree groaned and started to wobble and everything from that point started in slow motion.

The tree started to fall (in slow motion) and looked like it was about to fall on Yuuki (in slow motion) , while Yuuki watch in horror. Zero saw this and darted toward Yuuki (in slow motion), like he was gonna save her. But instead he flung his gun away and screamed, "DORA! SAVE YOURSEEELF!" (Everything was STILL in slow motion, that Zero sounded like Barry White's illegitimate asian grandson.) The gun landed right next to Yuuki.

Zero: AW SHIT!

Finally Yuuki snapped and automatically, like a ninja, pulled Zero to her side and moved away.

RESULT: Zero got crushed by the tree instead.

AN EVEN MORE SAD RESULT: The idiot couldn't even save his own beloved gun. And they were both buried under the tree.

-end of flashback-

Everyone: ohhhhh...

Yuuki: Yeah well who cares about him... ANYWHOO, our lucky winner is...! [pulls out a purple sheet of paper from Shiki's pants.] Calvin Klein?

Shiki: HEY! Those undies were supposed to be pink!

Yuuki: Anyway, our winner is... (takes out another paper) KANAME...!

Kaname: (stops throwing a fit about dry cleaners) THAT'S RIGHT, BITCHES!

Yuuki: ...is second place.

Kaname: Awww, DAMMIT! (Starts throwing another fit)

Yuuki: FIRST PLACE GOES TO...TO...TO...TO.,,,,,TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

Serien: SPIT IT OUT WOMAN!

Yuuki: TOGA! CONGRATULATIONS! YOU ARE NOW AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL!

Toga: YAAAAAY! *sniffsniff* THank you THANKYOU!

Yuuki: JK. Anywhoo, you won a ticket to the ... JERRY SPRINGER SHOW!

Everyone cheers except for Kaname who is crying.

Toga: What about my partner, Kaien?

Yuuki: He gets a tour around Cross Academy.

Kaien: Its about time! I couldn't find the bathroom cause once I SAW the Boy's bathroom and when I went in i saw Maria's juggs!

Yuuki: Me and Zero switched the signs. So... Kaname?

Kaname: *crying* WHY? WHY, I ASK YOU?

Yuuki: Hey, no worries, big bro. You're prize is an expired coupon for Del Taco!

Toga: YESS! I always wanted to go to Connecticut!

**_One month later_**

Yuuki: Hey! Toga texted me and says he's at the Jerry Springer show now! Let's see if he's on TV! (turns on the tv)

_Jerry Springer: Hello, and welcome to the Jerry Springer Show! Today, we will be talking about-_

_Toga (in the audience): HI CROSS ACADEMY! I'M ON TV! KAIEN, DON'T FORGET TO CLEAN ME UNDIES BEFORE I GET BACK AND IN YOUR FACE KANAME AND-_

_Jerry Springer: I'm sorry, sir, but please sit down and be quiet._

_Toga: What? Don't give me mouth, sister, cause you are lookin' at America's Next Top Model!_

_Jerry Springer: Someone, please take him away._

_(The guards go up and grab Toga.)_

_Toga: Get your dirty mits of me you -beep- our else I am gonna -beep- you up, you -beep-in mother-beep beep beep- you piece of -beep-! (runs up to the stage and starts beating up Jerry Springer)_

_Audience (and everyone at Cross Academy): JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!_

_Jerry Springer: GO TO COMMERCIAL! (punches Toga in the face) HEY! I GOT HIS EYE PATCH! I GOT HIS EYE PA-_

_Commercial: Yoplait. It is so good! Try all 25 flavors!_

_**Back at Cross Academy**_

Yuuki: DAMMIT! WE NEVER GOT TO SEE TOGA'S FACE. WHAT, DOES HE HAVE A GIANT RASH OR SOMETHING?

Shiki: Toga did tell me something about it...

_-FLASHBACK-_

_Shiki: Toga, why do you wear a metallic eye patch?_

_Toga: Cause chicks dig blind people. (turns to a OLD lady on the street) Hel-lo, lady!_

_*SMACK*_

_Ichiou: Stupid gaylord...(*walks away*)_

_-FLASHBACK END-_

Yuuki: Oohhhh... So anywhoo, thanks for joining us at Vampire Knight **Idol**!

Aidou: HIIII! (runs into Maria's juggs)

Yuuki: Not you, **Aidou**! GOOD-BYE!

_Meanwhile_

Toga: WHERE AM I?

* * *

_**Epilogue**_

_**You guys are all probably wondering; what the hell happened to Zero? Well, I know that no one cares but, let me tell you what happened. While Zero was under the tree, he found a shovel and dug a hole. Few years later, when he reached the surface, he found himself at... DEL TACO!**_

Zero: Man, I'm hungry! Hope they got some chicken wings and some fries.

_Inside Del Taco_

Zero: (looks at the Employee of the Month picture.) Hmm... I KNOW I saw that face somewhere.

Cashier: May I take your order?

Zero: (looks at the cashier) Yeah, can i have some- *GASP* ICHIRU? *does a double take on the picture on the wall. It was Ichiru.*

Ichiru: Oh SHIT! I don't have your twenty bucks!

Zero: (teasingly) Aww, look what you're doing with that pathetic excuse you call a life. Mom always told me you got straight As on all subjects... Except lifeskills. When Mr. Kill showed that video about puberty, you cried.

Ichiru: *sniff* STOP RUBBING IT IN MY NOSE! EVERYONE KNOWS I'M NOT GOODY TWO SHOES SO JUST SHUT THE FU-

Manager Fabio: It's all right, Ichiru. Just hold it in...

Ichiru: (takes a big breath) Okay. So what is your order?

Zero: Just want some chicken wings, some nachos, and a some fries.

Ichiru: $32.50 please,

Zero: WHAT? FOR SOME CHICKEN WINGS? Oh, fine, whatever... (takes out his wallet)

Yori (out of nowhere): Can you throw in a HAPPY MEAL and make it a $40?

Ichiru: Gladly.

Zero: Oh come on! Give your brother a break!

Ichiru: $50.

Zero: Now that's more like it! Oh and here's your expired credit card. Put it into some good use!

_Rido runs into the restaurant naked, LAPD following him. One of the officers tackle him._

Officer: I... am detective Carter. Do you... understand the words... that are comin' out of my mouth?

Rido: I'm sorry, I cannot speak dumass, dumass.

Carter: I'm gonna go all Chinese on yo ass!

Zero: (takes out his camera) Keep going! Keep going!

Carter: Do you know this guy?

Zero: Hmm... well he DOES seem familiar... Nah, I dunno him.

Carter takes out his gun.

Zero: Wait. (goes to into the kitchen and gets a knife)

_KLLRRRRRCH!_

Rido: MY BALLS!

Zero: Not balls anymore. That's payback.

Carter: Now?

Zero: Sure!

*BANG-BANG*

Carter: Umm... why is he crawlin' around in circles?

Manager Fabio gets a piece of onion and squeezes the juice in his eye. Rido stops crawling.

Manager fabio does a battlecry.

"WHOOOWHOOWHOOWHOOOOOOOOO!"

**_AND THAT CONCLUDES THIS CHAPTER! WHOO FINISHED!_**


	9. LAS VEGAS the land of Rido part I

**HEY, FANFIC READERS! THANK YOU FOR ALL THE REVIEWS AND IDEAS! **

**THIS CHAPPIE IS DEDICaTED FOR THE READERS WHO REVIEWED AND SUGGESTED THAT WE SHOULD DO:**

**1. "night class stuck in another country"  
2. "Christmas"**

**3. "pink dress"**

**WE CRAMMED THE IDEAS ALL INTO ONE STORY! THANK YOU FOR THE IDEAS AND WE HOPE FOR MORE SOON! NOW READ ON!**

_It was a beautiful day in Cross Academy. Birds singing, flowers blooming, and all that kind of crap. But, it turns out that-_

Zero: Shut up, James Earl Jones! Just cut to the crap!

_Right. Anyway, it was... was... was... CHRISTMAS!_

Zero: NOOOOOOOOOO!

Yuuki: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY! KANAME! TIME TO WEAR THAT PINK DRESS MOM GOT YOU LAST YEAR!

Rido: It's Christmas already?

_One hour later._

Headmaster: All right, Night Class babies! We are going to the Christmas Carnival!

Day Class student: How come WE never go to any of your trips?

Ruka: Because we do our own laundry. (Turns to Cross) Now shut up and drive, drive, drive! (by Rihanna)

_On their way to the fair, in the crappy Crossmobile._

Shiki: Ichijou, why are you crying?

Ichijou: *sniff* Every Christmas, no one takes my present! (starts slobbering all over Shiki's uniform that he wore 4 months straight)

Shiki: How did it happen?

-_Flashback-_

_3 years ago_

_Ichijou: Kaname-sama!_

_Kaname: What?_

_Ichijou: I just wanted to tell that it's-_

_Kaname: Get the fuck away from me!_

_2 years ago_

_Ichijou: Hey Zero! It's-_

_Ichiru: Get the fuck away from me!_

_One year ago_

_Ichijou: Hey Gramps! Guess what? It's-_

_Ichio: Get the *CENSORED-because its grampa Ichiou and we all know that old people don't cuss* - away from me!_

_This morning_

_Ichijou: Hey Rido, Toga. Nice weather today, isn't it?_

_Toga: Uh... Yeah. (slowly reaches for his gun) What do you want?_

_Rido: You're right! It IS nice weather right now!_

_Ichijou: Well, I just wanted to tell you guys that it's-_

_Toga and Rido: GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM US!_

_Toga: (grabs his gun and shoots Ichijou in the face.)_

_Ichijou: MY FACE! MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!_

_-Flashback end-_

Shiki: Huh. Stupid blonde.

Headmaster: Senri! Never refer to blondes that way! (even Cross is a blonde)

Shiki: But they're so dumb!

Headmaster runs the Crossmobile into a bodega.

Shiki: See?

Ichijo: Your Right!

_30 minutes later_

Headmaster: We're here!

Zero: This is better than last year at least.

Suddenly, EVERYONE in the carnival look at the Night Class.

Crowd: KYAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! (runs toward the NIght class)

Zero: LADIES FIRST! (starts running back toward the rapist van)

Yuuki in her mind and she watches Zero run back:_ Oh yeah.. He doesn't HAVE balls.. or boobs for that matter. Pshh.. Zero is living a sad life being the thingy without things. *MIND SIGH_

Kaname: Everyone get in!

Zero: Okay I'll drive- (gets into the passenger seat and clutches an empty wheel)

Kain: We're in Japan. (gets into the right drivers seat and drives away)

Ichijou: Wait. Where's Headmaster?

Yuuki: (looks out the window, at Kaien, who was drowning in an ocean of tourists) SUCKER! *flips him off*

_2 hours later_

Zero: Yay! We survived!

Rima: But where are we?

Aidou: Well, this place looks familiar, and I think I've been here before.

Yuuki: Where? Where?

Kaname: It looks like... Madagascar.

Aidou: HEY! I WAS there before like 5 chapters ago!

Zero: NOOOOOOOO! Its winter vacation all over again!

Rido: It's winter vacation AGAIN AND it's Christmas ALREADY?

Kaname: Never mind, its Tokyo! Wait, no, the writing is all American.

Kain looks at a sign passing by him.

Kain: We're in Las Vegas.

Zero: What? How did we get here in 2 hours?

Ichijo: No. How did we even get out of JAPAN with a CAR IN 2 HOURS?

Rido: *squealing with such excitement and happiness* OMG I ALWAYS WANTED TO GO TO VEGAS AND BE A STRIPPER! *sigh* Vegas... the land of lights, drunks, smokers, hookers, and all other messed up people. Like me!

Zero: Like you... and your mom... and her mom.

Rido was so busy squealing and bouncing up and down from happiness that he ignored Zero. Instead because he was so happy he let out a huge nasty fart. The air swirled around the car and blew everyone away and even tousled Kaname's hair sexily (and in sudden slow motion at that one time) in the process.

Ichijo fainted. But no one cared.

Kaname dove all the way back to the trunk.

Aidou was sniffing the air: I smell *DEEP INHALE* ... Channel No. 5

Kain: I can't see! I can't see!

So Zero is driving for him.

Shiki rolls down the window and sticks his head out.

Shiki: WHOOHOO! FRESH AIR! FREEDOM! URGH!

Shiki's head hit a stop sign, a tree, and some grandma's panties flew into his face. (we were so close to saying MAria's juggs again but why would MAria's juggs be flying there?)

Maria: Because I'm right here.

Rima stuck carrots up her nose because it smelled so bad.

And Ruka took her ear phones out of her ears and stuffed them up her nose.

Rima and Ruka: OKay. We're good.

Yuuki gets fainted Ichijo's minty extra whitening shine for vampire teeth toothpaste out and squeezes a french mustache on her face.

Kaname: AHA! *comes out and starts spraying Rido with BRitney Spears perfume*

Rido: MY EYEEESSSS!

EVERYONE KICKED RIDO'S ASS OUT OF THE CAR. LITERALLY.

Even the fainted Ichijo woke up just to kick him out. But then he went back to sleep.

Yuuki: Yay! Kaien is gone and the farting machine is gone and we're in Vegas! Could it get any better?

Rima: Look! Caesars Palace!

_Ten Minutes later_

Kaname: Okay, so we will divide everyone into different rooms. Ruka, Rima,Maria, and Yuuki in one. Kain, Aidou, Ichijou and me in another. And Zero and Shiki in the one-bed room.

Shiki: Why am I stuck with him?

Kain: Because he's emo.

Shiki: *starts having a bitch fit kind of like Kaname's except he runs around in circles... kinda like his dad*

Kaname: Fine. Aidou, get in there.

Aidou: But I love you the most! Please? (does a puppy dog face)

Kaname: Awww... No. *slams the door on his PENIS! haha jk nose.*

_The next day_

Kaname: *yawns* Rise and shine sleeping penises-

Kain was on the floor drooling on the carpet with empty bottles of beer around him. Shiki was slumped against the wall wearing nothing but purple CAlvin Klein underwear and was holding a tazer. Ichijou was nowhere to be found.

Kaname: Kain? Shiki? Wake up.

Kain: (wakes up. There was make up on his face and a black eye) Yeah?

Shiki wakes up,too. He had a tattoo on his ankle that looked like a leg. He raised his hand to stretch and the tazer fell off and tazed him. He went back to sleep.

Kaname: Where's Ichijou?

Kain: I don't remember anything anything. He's probably in the other room.

Kaname goes next door.

Kaname: Ichijou?

The room was really messy and was loaded with chickens. Zero was laying in bed while Aidou's hand was laying on his dick. In his other arm was wrapped around a dead chicken. Ichijou was in front of the TV, with tiny pupils, purple hair, and dozens of bottles full of urine.

_Dora on TV: What was YOUR favorite part of the trip?_

Ichijou: When you killed Diego.

_Dora: I liked that too._

_Boots: MY favorite part was when-_

Ichijou: -When you humped Dora's leg for 2 hours.

Kaname: Umm, Ichijou?

Ichijou: WHAT? (grabs a chicken with one hand and grabs the Bible from the drawer.) DON'T COME ANY CLOSER, OR I SHALL END THIS CHICKEN WITH MY- *reads what he was holding* BIBBLE!

Kaname: What happened last night?

Ichijou: We destroyed THE STATUE OF LIBERTY!

Kaname: (looks out the window. The mini Statue of Liberty was still standing.) No you di-

Ichijou throws the Bible at Kaname's head and jumps out the window. Along with the chicken.

Zero: (wakes up) What happened? (Looks down and sees Aidou hand THERE) AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (gets his gun and shoots 3 times) I think I got it! Wait a minute... (lifts up the covers.) Not again...

Kaname: What happened?

Zero: I missed.

Kaname: NO. WHAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY?

Zero: They all got drunk and Kain went to the beauty salon-

Kaname: Thank God. (lifts the Bible in praise) Kain really needed a makeover. No wonder Ruka would never go out with him. But she's a dumb blonde.

Zero: Anyway, Shiki went to the police station and the tattoo parlor. Ichijou got really high. Aidou, I think got hit by a car, sent to the hospital and got hit by a car again. And he stole a few chickens.

Kaname: What about you?

Zero: I stayed home cook rice. I saw what happened outside. Dinner and a show.

Kaname: But you also lost your balls for the 37th time.

Zero: So where's-

_TV announcer: Last night had been a disastrous night caused by 4 anonymous people. Reporters say that the first one was a tall male who burned down M&M World and is wearing makeup. The second one was a male who was last seen at a police station heading for the tattoo parlor wearing only purple underpants. The third was a male with purple hair who kept on chanting the Barney theme song. The fourth was quite hard to be identified as male or female but _it_ was hit by a car, rushed to the ER, hit by a car again and he stole a few chickens._

Zero: See?

_TV announcer: Here is live footage of the purple headed man who had just jumped out the window of Caesar's Palace and survived the fall._

_Ichijou: Hello people! Nice weather, right?_

_It started raining._

_Ichijou: I just wanted to tell you that it's-_

_Camera man: GET YOUR F*BEEP*IN' HANDS OFF THE F*BEEP*IN' CAMERA!_

_Ichijou: ShaZAM! (whacks the camera with the chicken he was holding.)_

_Back to reality_

Kaname: Where are the girls?

Zero: I heard them giggling the whole night. Must've hired a man stripper-(suddenly stops and looked thoughtful.)

Kaname: ...You don't think...?

Zero: Yes I do.

* * *

_**Join us on the next chapter to find who is the man stripper, where has Ichijou gone off to with the chicken, who is that person in the next hotel room, and if James Earl Jones gets a break. See you next time AND MERRY THANKSGIVING!**_


	10. LAS VEGAS the land of Rido part II

_**Hello, dear readers and welcome to Chapter 11 of Random Tales (actually, its supposed to be chapter 10 cause the author's note didn't wasn't really a chapter). Anyway welcome to Part 2 of Las Vegas the land of Rido (A.K.A The Land of Lights, Drunks, Smokers, Hookers, and Other Messed Up People.)**_

_**Thank You for all the reviews and stuffs like that. Anywhoo, we're back to where we left off. Enjoy!**_

_Kaname: You don't think...?_

_Zero: Yes I do._

Kaname: I was gonna say, "You don't think we could eat some chicken, do you?"

Zero:... Yeah, that's what I meant.

_1 hour and 6 seconds later._

Kaname: Ok. Let's go to the girl's room.

_In the girl's room._

Zero: Yuuki, Rima, Ruka. Are you in here?

Maria: They are but why do you always count me out?

Kaname: You remind me of my dad's old sock that smells like Swiss cheese. AND your juggs aren't as big as mine. Anyway, we have to-

Yuuki: (looking at her phone and giggling.)

Kaname: Yuuki, give me the phone.

Yuuki: Are you in a hurry?

Kaname: Yes.

Yuuki: Since you are I'll give you a quick answer: NO.

Kaname: Too bad! *BITCH SLAP* (takes the phone and looks at it. It showed Rido going to the lobby and taking a piss in the fountain. Kain, Aidou, Shiki, and Ichijou were with him. Kaname went to another video that showed Ichijou getting into a car and running over Aidou. There were a bunch of videos and of photos of the drunks doing something retarded. Also, her wallpaper was of Aidou sleeping on Zero's bed, his hand laying THERE.)

Zero: Well... now we know she IS a nutshell.

Kain, Shiki and Aidou entered the room. Their faces were clean. Aidou's hand was messed up.

Aidou (shivering): ...Had a dream... buncha chickens... eat my hand... heard a gun.

Shiki: I had a dream that whites, blacks, and chinese lived together.

Kain: I had a dream of... potatoes.

Kaname: I had a dream that Kiryuu was my slave for eternity. BURN!

Zero: Anyway, we have to find Ichijo-

Suddenly, a man jumps out of the closet and falls to the ground. A hand was grabbing his leg.

Guy: HELP! THIS RETARDED MAN STRIPPER TRIED TO RAPE AND EAT ME! I'M NOT SO SURE HE'S EVEN A MAN!

Zero: Now that does sound familiar. Hmm... OH! Its Ichiru! (draws his gun.) DIE! *BANG BANG*

Rido: BUTTERMILK BISCUITS! MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!

Zero: Oops. Wrong person. And yeah.. That's definitely not a man...but he's not a woman either.

Guy: Thanks. I'm the guy from next door. Call me Paco!... Wait a minute... (looks at Rido.) Never mind. Anyway...

Rima (in her head): _What is it with all these Pacos? No wonder Caesar's Palace sounds Mexican._

Kaname: Have you by any chance seen a guy with purple hair and tiny eyes?

Paco: Strangely, yes. He killed one of my chickens!

Zero: Sad... we ate one this morning

Kaname: Yeah, so where have you seen him?

Paco: He was in the news. I saw him kill the chicken. :'(

Kaname: Yeah, yeah. We'll give him a funeral.

Paco: Her.

Kain: WHO THE HELL CARES ABOUT YOUR STUPID CHICKEN? AND WHY ARE WE HAVING A CONVERSATION ABOUT IT?

Paco: I need them for work.

Zero: Oh, right, Del Taco...

Paco: How'd you know I work in Del Taco?

Zero: Oh, um... instinct?

Shiki: Oh, forget this. (grabs Zero's gun quickly and shoots until Paco until he stopped twitching. But Zero's gun was attached to his pants. And Shiki tugged the gun and ripped Zero's pants off, revealing Zero's red speedo with white doves on it.) He was no help.

Rima: Wait, I thought Zero's gun only works on vampires.

Kain: SO PACO IS A VAMPIRE! And that spa receptionist in chapter 2 and Headmaster. Anywhoo, I guess we'll have to find Ichijo ourselves.

Ruka: Who cares if we find him or not?

Kaname: No one. I'm just saving him just in case we run out of food.

Maria: To find out who you SHOULD eat, look at the person in the doorway.

Everyone looks there, including Aidou.

Aidou: (turns around.) I don't really digest doors-

Everyone was looking at Aidou... who was in the doorway.

Kaname: Okay, you're right. Screw Ichijou.

Zero: Now can we go?

Kaname: Fine.

_In the Crossmobile._

Yuuki: Hey, big bro my ho, can I drive?

Kaname: Did you erase the evidence of last night?

Yuuki: Yeah.

Kaname: Are you sure you're not going to run over anyone?

Yuuki: Yeah!

Kaname: OK. One last thing

Yuuki: What?

Kaname:...I want you to check the trunk just in case Ichijou is in there.

Yuuki: Oh, come on, he's not that harmless-

Kain: He killed a chicken. A chicken that was supposed to be sacrificed for Del Taco. A chicken ment to be in our stomachs. A chicken that was-

Yuuki: Yeah, yeah, we get it... Ok, fine. I'll do it. (in her head) I bet the dead chicken would beg to differ.

Kaname: What was that?

Yuuki: Oh, nothing. (opens the trunk) *screams* AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Kaname: OH NO! ICHIJO! (pisses in his pants)

Yuuki: Hehehe, just kidding, I couldn't resist.

*BITCH SLAP*

Ruka: Can I drive? It could be a good idea cause I was drunk before I got my license.

Ruka gets into the drivers seat. Aidou tried to get into the passenger seat through the window but fell out. So he and everyone else gets in the back. Yuuki (since she had no boobs,) got in much easier (hillbilly style) than the way Aidou did it.

Maria: *screams* AAAHHHHHHHHH!

Kaname AND Aidou: OH NO! ICHIJO! (pisses in their pants... well, Kaname the second time)

Kaname was getting his arm ready to bitch slap Maria but stopped when he saw what layed in the trunk that made her scream.

In the trunk layed a man that had long blonde hair tied into a ponytail and he looked gay. He was snoring. Sound familiar?

Kaname: (gets a stick. And pokes 3 times.)

Man: (wakes up) AHHHHHH, MOM, NO, I DIDN'T WATCH JUURI TAKE A SHOWER!

Yuuki: HEADMASTER? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Aidou: How'd he get here?

Zero: No, how'd he get out of JAPAN with no transportation across the Pacific Ocean and into his crap car trunk in 34.7 hours?

Kaname: (Kicks him out.) There. One less retard to worry about.

Shiki AND Zero: Tch. Dumb blonde. (about Headmaster.)

Ruka: Ok lets go. (Starts driving away. Then she suddenly stops, changes to reverse,_ accidentally _runs over the Headmaster, and drives away.)

Shiki: Amazing! Ruka is blonde, yet, she didn't do anything stupid!

Kain: That's what he said.

Suddenly...

_THUD!_

Ruka: OMG! Did I hit something? (runs outside.) OMG! Are you Zac Efron?

Ichijou: No...

Ruka (disappointedly): Oh... (Gets into the car, drives over Ichijou, and continues on.)

Kain: Uh, Ruka? Japan is west.

Ruka: I know that. I'm just hungry. Let's go to McDonald's!

Kain: You really ARE drunk aren't you?

Aidou: (takes a deep whiff.) Yep. And I think I'm getting high.

Shiki: AMAZING! Ruka is blonde and drunk, yet, she STILL didn't do anything stupid!

Having that said, Ruka ran into someone.

Ruka: What is it with all these people?

Maria: They might not be people. Anyway, I want to drive now!

Kaname: Fine.

Maria: Yay! Hold on. (goes outside. It turns out that Ruka ran over somebody that just came out of McDonalds. Maria grabs the 2 baggies that the person was holding and puts them in the van. THEN she went to the trunk, got some wires, and tied the unconcious person to the hood of the car.)

Kaname: AHEM.

Maria: Oh. Don't worry. It's just a souvenir so we can all remember this glorious vacation.

Zero: WTF! Thats... thats... thats...

Yuuki: ...Ichijo?

Zero: No, we just ran over him. Its... ICHIRU!

Yuuki: I was close...

Maria: So it ISN'T a person! I was right!

SHiki: Why is his hair purple?

Kaname: Tch. What a poser. He's just jealous of Ichijo's feminine beauty.

Kain: He still has a gray spot.

Kaname: No, it's his bald spot.

Maria: Ok, here I go! (drives west.)

Kaname: And that concludes this chapter. Good Bye!

Maria: Who are you talking to?

Kaname: Your juggs!

Maria runs the Crossmobile into a bode- ...lamp post.

_**Epilogue**_

Yuuki plugs her phone into the computer and transfers all the videos and pictures from her trip into Facebook.

Yuuki:(Laughs like Dr Evil.) Mwahaha... MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (And her new wallpaper was of the naked statue at Caesar's Palace.)

_Meanwhile..._

_So remember when we Ichiru became the souvenir? Well, when everyone got back home, Kaname refused to wear the pink dress that his momma got him, so the girls played dress up on Ichiru instead. _

Yuuki and Ruka: KYAAAHHH! THAT DRESS IS LIKE SOOO CUTE ON YOU!

Rima was checking Ichiru out.

Maria: But something doesn't look right...

Ichiru: I know! It 'cause-

Maria: OH I KNOW! You need some boobs! (gets Kaname's socks and stuff it down his dress to give him some chest) THERE!

Ichiru: IT'S SO COLD! I FEEL LIKE THE COLD AIR IS RUSHING UP MY BARE ASS!

Zero comes in and sees Ichiru.

Zero: That's 'cause the cold air IS rushing up your ass. (turns to Ruka) He's wearing a pink frilly APRON NOT dress.

Kaname, Shiki, Zero, Ichiru, AIDOU, AND HEADMASTER: TCH. DUMB BLONDE. **(wtf happened to Headmaster saying to not refer to blondes that way? And him and Aidou are BOTH BLONDES XD)**

_Meanwhile... AGAIN_

Ichijou was walking for weeks ever since he got run over. Eventually, he ended up in a fair.

Tourists: KYAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Ichijou: RUN AWAY!

**Yeah.. So I think we didn't put much effort.. and this story sounded stupid kinda sorta maybe, but we shall improve once again!**

**Review please! Ideas are always welcome! **


	11. Happy Birthday Dirtbag Son!

**_Hello, readers! Thank you for all those wonderful reviews! This chapter is going to be a bit special 'cause its in the past so yeah... So enjoy! (Just a reminder: WE DON'T OWN VAMPIRE KNIGHT)_**

_Aidou, age... whatever age he was that made him look like nine years old._

_Aidou's diary._

_Dear Diary,_

_In a little bit, It will be my birthday party! I don't even know some of the guests. Well, daddio says Kaname-sama, Ruka, Shiki, Akatsuki, Rima, Ichijo and Kaname are coming. He told me one of our guests are really stupid, and emo, whatever that means. Anyway, write to you soon_

_-Aidou the sexy beast_

One hour later.

Aidou's dad: Hanabusa, get the door.

Aidou: (opens the door to see Kaname standing there.) Hi, Kaname-sama! *squeal* Is that really you?

*BITCH SLAP*

Aidou: Yep. That is definitely you.

Next came Ruka.

Aidou: Hey Ruka! Did those ugly thighs grow again?

Ruka: And did Kaname bitch slap you again?

Aidou: ... I take that as a 'yes.'

Next was Rima.

Aidou: Wassup, Rima my homie! Can I get a- URGH! (Lightening hits him.)

Next is Shiki.

Aidou: Hi-

Shiki: NO TIME TO WASTE, I GOTTA GO TO THE LOO.

Rido: Just a reminder, Senri; ladies in the house, put the seat down.

Shiki: Psh, like you do that.

Ichijou comes.

Aidou: ...Oh I won't even bother.

Ichijou: That's right, sister!

Next came Kain.

Aidou: Hey Kain! Haven't been burning your undies again have you?

Kain: Look down.

Aidou: (looks down).. AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! IT BURNS!

_About 10 minutes later._

Aidou: And you must be that retarded emo daddy was talking about.

Zero: (pulls out his gun) Did he mention life threatening?

Kaien: Kiryuu-kun, thats enough. Come along, Toga. (Starts uh making out with him.) *he was also holding baby Yuuki, who cried at the sight of whatever just happened.)

Toga: (Looks at Aidou and squints at him. This was right after he lost his eye and his face was covered in bandages like a mummy) Hmph. What a little squirt.

Aidou, apparently did not like this comment.

Toga: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, MY EYE!

So maybe if Aidou never did anything to Toga, his eyeball could've been saved. COULD'VE.

A little while after, when we all calmed down.

Aidou's dad: Hanabusa, I would like you to entertain these people while we prepare dinner.

Aidou: Um, okay. So... (starts doing a little dance and singing.)

I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH

I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH

I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH...

(and on and on)

Kaien: -As I have heard so, in a woman is a resting swan ready to spread its wings and burst out...-

Zero to Ichiru (under his breath): It looks like somethings about to burst out of Aidou but I'm pretty sure its not a swan! (snicker)

Kaien: ...and in every man is a lordly lion ready to prance. Zero?

Zero: Yeah?

Kaien: Would you be so kind to dance with this fellow?

Zero: No, would you?

Kaien: OK! (walks up to Aidou) Alright, Hanabusa, let's dance PROPERLY. Put your hand around my waist.

Aidou: W-what?

Kaien: My waist.

Aidou: Um... sure.

Ichiru wolf whistles.

Kaien: Now then off we go... 1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3...

Everyone was trying hard not to laugh. Zero had his video camera out but Kaname snatched the camera from him and got a better view to video tape it himself.

Kaname: I'm NEVER going to let him forget this.

Zero and Ichiru: Never.

Kain: I'm bored. I want to entertain 'cause I take singing lessons! (goes up and pushes them out of the way. Kaien landed on Aidou.)

Kaien: I've landed on something rather soft-

Aidou: *gasping for breath* Thats... ME.

Kaien: OH, good.

Kain: ~Yo my name is Kain

And I hate the damn rain

That makes me stuck with him (points to Aidou, who's still smothered by Kaien.)

Its such an F-ing pain

And I'm starting to go insane

So I'll pull down my pants and wane!~

_( A few years after in the future_

_Aidou: (in the bathroom reading Pregnancy for Dummies.) OH, NOW I remember why Kain's rap sounded familiar!** (A/U THIS WAS ALL IN THE CHAPPIE OF VK IDOL FOR KAIN'S TALENT))**_

_Back to Aidou age nine_.

Aidou's dad: Dinner is still not ready so i think the kids should go outside to play.

In Aidou's backyard.

Ruka: I've got an idea! Let's play house!

Kaname: I can be the daddy. Ichijou is the mommy. Kain is the uncle. Shiki is the grandpa. Ruka is the maid. Yuuki can be the newborn baby. Kiryuu is the always-drunk-and-retarded Great Grandmother. Rima is the bratty older sister. Ichiru is the bad ass gangsta son. And Aidou is the dog.

Aidou: WHAT?

Zero: Ugh, I gave birth to him? (points at Shiki.)

Kaname: GRANDMA! JUST SHUT UP AND EAT YOUR FUCKIN' PRUNES!

Ichijou: *in a dreamy voice* Since I'm the mommy, can we make out?

Kaname: Aw hell no!

Ichijou: *disappointedly* Oh... *in a motherly voice* Hanabusa, go to the market and get some milk... literally.

Aidou: What? But you said I'm the-

Kaname: You heard you're mother; get some milk.

Rima: (in an obnoxious voice.) Yeah, brat, go gets some milk

Shiki (with a slouched back and a hoarse voice.): Get some milk or else I will-

Aidou: Okay, less talk. Goodbye! (runs to the supermarket. Well, it was really a 7- Eleven.) Lets see... 1% or 2%... oh whatever. (gets some orange juice instead. After purchasing it, he stopped by the arcade and tried one of those weird fortune teller things that has a crystal ball.)

Aidou: Well, I know one thing; it's gonna be REALLY foggy tonight.

Later he played against someone in Tekken, that weird game where you play a character and try to KO the other player.

Aidou: Yeah! I beat you!

Guy: Ugh. You fuckin little piece of shit. (Apparently this guy was a teenager.)

Aidou: You said a curse! Give me a dollar for the swear jar.

Teenager: (starts charging at him. But Aidou was too quick for him, being only nine.)

Aidou: Titty TWISTER! (grabs them ugly titties and squeezes really hard, but to our disappointment, he did not freeze them.)

_About ten minutes later._

Aidou's dad: Its time for dinner, where have you been?

Aidou: Getting orange-

Rido: Hey look! Orange juice! Thanks, DAWG! (Opens the carton and drinks it all in 3.14159265 seconds.) Ahhhh... Much better! Wait... *burps and farts at the same time* ahhh...

Aidou's dad faints.

Ichijou shows up: Honey! Where have- Whoa, I think I smell... Channel No. 5. Anyway, where have you been? And why do you have a bruise on your head?

Aidou: Oh ummm... I got into a fight...

Ichijou: *gasp* Aidou! Wait till your father hears about this-

Kaname: Hear about what?

Ichijou: Your son got into a fight.

Kaname: (looks surprised) YOU WHAT? Hmm... (leans closer to his face and Aidou is shitting in his pants from the fear of Kaname's slap attack) Did you win?

Ichijou: Honey!

Aidou: Um... yeah, I... guess so.

Kaname: Was it a teenager?

Aidou: Yeah.

Kaname: Did you BREAK his neck?

Aidou: No-

Kaname: NO! You must go back there and BREAK his neck!

Shiki: What's that? My grandson in a fight?

Kain: What? That scrawny little bag of bones!

Zero: You guys are all *hic* scrawny bags of *hic* bones!

Kaname: SHUT UP, GRANDMA!

Kain: SHUT UP, GRANDMA!

Rima: STUFF THEM PRUNES IN YOUR MOUTH, GREAT GRANDMA!

Shiki: SHUT YER MOUTH, MOM!

Ruka: (annoyed) Masters, you mustn't speak like that.

Ichijou: Shut up dumb blonde!

Aidou's mom: Dinner's ready!

Aidou's dad: Welcome to Hanabusa's 73th birthday!

Kaname: Its his birthday? I don't have a present... Oh wait I do. (grabs a napkin from the table and hands it to Aidou.) Happy Birthday, dirtbag son!

Shiki (still in a hoarse voice): Hanabusa, when i was your age I- (takes a piss since he's an old man that has malfunctioning kidneys and a weak bladder)...ahhh...

Rido: Oh, that's my baby boy! He follows in his fathers footsteps.

Zero: Well, like father like son.

Everyone: SHUT UP GRANDMA!

Rima: Hey, brat, Merry Kwanzaa! Uh wait, I don't have a present. Oh wait, I do! (Gives Zero to him) You can keep it forever. No refunds.

Rido: And my gift is a- HUHHH!

_After dinner._

Aidou: I hate your dad.

Shiki: Try staying at home with him.

Aidou: But you acted just like him!

Kaname: I'm bored. I don't wanna play house. Let's go to the garage.

Zero: Finally something to do-

Kaname: HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO SHUT UP, GRANDMA? (Ichiru punches Zero to shut up)

Aidou: Going to the garage isn't really a good idea.

Kaname: Why?

Aidou: You'll see...

At the garage door.

Aidou: Its not too late to turn back, you know.

Kaname: Just open the door.

All hell broke loose after the opening. Everything went out of place and fell to the ground and stuff. Rido apparently came sometime during the scene.

Rido: So what're you kids doing down here? (goes inside the garage. At that precise moment, a set of antlers above the door fell on Rido. It sorta landed on his CHEST.)

Kaname: That is the end of Rido Kuran...

Shiki: I would like to say a few words. Don't Rest in Peace, Rido Kuran, awful father, stupid uncle, farting machine, and a drunk retard who ran around in circles and many such things. Would anyone else like to say good bye?

Ruka spat on him, Rima sprayed him with windex, Aidou froze the antlers to his chest, Kain waned on him, Shiki put makeup on his face, Ichijou drew a mustache, unibrow, and beard on him with a sharpie marker, and Kaname kicked him in the balls until they heard a really loud squish. Zero and Ichiru had trouble thinking about what to do.

Zero: I think we should shoot him.

Ichiru: I think we should cut out his tongue.

Aidou: Shoot him AND cut out his tongue then shoot his tongue. And take a crap on his face

Zero: Hmm... good idea.

So after that, Little Baby Yuuki took a crap on his face. Then they all left.

Rido suddenly wakes up: Hmm... I taste a crushed Cheeto Puff! Wait a minute... *sniff sniff* URGH! (HE DIED. But hey, he DID ressurect for a second and many years after.)

About a good solid ten minutes later, when they were eating cake.

Everyone ( in a crappy mood): Happy Birthday to-

Suddenly a cop breaks down the door.

Aidou's dad: Hello?

Cop: We need to give a cavity search to that young man. (points to Zero.)

Zero: Uh whats a cavity search?

Cop: We have to search your body for drugs or illegal weapons.

Zero: Crap. Oh, I mean... 'I don't have any crack!'

Cop: Ready?

Zero: Uh do we have to do this in front of everybody?

Cop: If you'd prefer the bathroom...

Zero: Sure...

In the bathroom

Zero: Right, so just keep it above the waist- URGH!

back to the birthday party

Everyone (in the crappy tone): Happy Birthday to-

*BANG BANG*

Zero: (Runs out of the bathroom followed by the cop which had been shot but not effected because he's not a vampire.) YOU PERVERTED EMMETT!

Aidou: What's an Emmett?

Shiki: You don't want to know.

An hour later, while everyone was leaving. Shiki had to wait a little longer for his mom to come because nobody could track down Rido.

Aidou: I'm bored. We should find a way to pass the time.

Shiki: Lets talk about stuff.

AIdou: Video games? 'Cause I like pokemon

SHiki: I hate all the new Pokemon they have now. They should've just stuck with the original 151.

Aidou: Fuck that. Bidoof is my favorite Pokemon.

Shiki: Bidoof is retarded! He looks like testicular cancer... with a mouth. Probably so it can suck dick.

AIdou: What is your favorite Pokeman?

Shiki: Gengar, hands down. Gengar will fuck your shit up.

Aidou:... Why do you think Brock's eyes are closed all the time?

Shiki: Two reasons

1) He probably gets sprayed with mace all the time since he's like a borderline rapist.

2) Chicks dig blind people. Or that's what Toga said.

Aidou: Oh yeah you told me what happened...

_-FLASHBACK-_

_Shiki: Toga, why do you wear a metallic eye patch?_

_Toga: Cause chicks dig blind people. (turns to a OLD lady on the street) Hel-lo, lady!_

_*SMACK*_

_Ichiou: Stupid gaylord...(*walks away*)_

_-FLASHBACK END-_

_-awkward moment of silence (wind swirling by)-_

AIdou: ... I love Twitter.

Shiki: Twitter's stupid. BTW I noticed you update it every time you take a shit. As if anyone cares...

Aidou: ... I'm worried about the swine flu BTW. Its killed at least 3000 people.

Shiki: Yeah and the plagues that no one really cares about has killed millions. Why do you even care? You're a-

Aidou: Say it. Say it out loud.

Shiki: ...a vampire?

Aidou: no, HOMOSEXUAL.

Shiki: really? Wait you don't even know what that means! (suddenly) That word haunts me to this day.

Aidou: Why? Because Rido died today? Wait, if he died today, you'd mean it haunts you to this _hour._

Shiki: I don't need a grammar lesson! I'm just worried that he'll survive.

Aidou: Pff. Like that would happen. Think of it this way: In a few years when we move out of this old dump we'll have to clean out the garage. Then dad will be like 'What is an ugly hobo covereded crap and smells like Windex and piss with jacked up balls and my antlers doing in our garage?' That way no one would come to buy this place cause the garage smells like crap, windex, and piss at the same time.

Shiki: Yeah. But if they do, they'll be thinking that the constipation sensation is gripping the nation, or something like that.

Suddenly...

Aidou: Shiki, are you crying?

Shiki: Look...(points) ...a taxicab.

Shiki's mom came out.

Shiki's mom: I told him not to lose that Porsche!

Shiki: Or as he calls it Porsche-uh

Shiki's mom: Where is he anyway?

Aidou: Long story short, he's dead.

Shiki's mom: Yes! No more naked karaoke nights! Oh and happy birthday Aidou. (hands him a spork.)

Aidou: Yay!

_**Epilogue**_

3.14159265 hours later, in Fuchu Prison, Tokyo. (Weird _Prison Break _theme song starts playing from no where. You can check on youtube.)

Guard: Here's your dinner. (gives Zero a bowl of guacomole and a spork.)

Zero: Thanks!

Guard leaves.

Zero: (starts digging) Mwahaha... MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Guard: I don't want to KNOW what he's doing


	12. AH part I

_**What's up, readers and welcome to another chapter of Random Tales of Vampire Knight! Thank you for the comments and reviews and etc. More ideas is what we need to keep this going. Enjoy!**_

_The day before Cross Academy started._

Headmaster: Yuuki, Zero, I would like you to be part of the Disciplinary Committee.

Zero: Yay! Does that mean I could boss people around? Cause I'm SO gonna make Aidou do lines. He hates writing!

Headmaster: Zero! You can't abuse your position!

Yuuki: Aidou knows how to write?

Zero: Like it would matter! I'll make him write something that is actually true, like _"I... must... not... shoot... girls... with... imaginary... guns... because... that... is... Master Kiryuu's... job... because... he... is... a... heart of a lion... man... while I... am just... a... lame-ass."_

Yuuki: Oh and I'll make Kaname give me piggy back rides around the school! YAH! Also, you said we could whack people with sticks if they misbehave.

Headmaster: NOPE! Instead you could use this spray bottle! (hands her a spray bottle with the label Winde- Channel No. 5.)

Yuuki: But you promised!

Headmaster: I did not give you this job so you could punish.. (looks at Zero)..my vampire babies. I am giving you this job so that you can make sure that the Night class can go safely to their classes/dormitories and not be stampeded by retarded rabied fan people.

Zero: No, but really it's because they're lame-asses, right?

Headmaster: (sigh) Yes.

?: A lame- whacha say?

Aidou comes in.

Aidou: It looks to me that 'lame-ass' is a negative expression coming from you. If this is the case I'll freeze your boons!

Yuuki: Whose boons? Your boons?

Zero: No, no, no! (Clutches his beans, thinking about how many times he has lost them before.) Lame-ass means great, brave, courageous... heart of the lion-man.

Aidou: Is this true?

Zero: Yes! This is the truth!

Aidou: Then of course, I'm not just a lame-ass.

Zero: No of course your no-

Aidou: I'm a BIG lame-ass!

Zero: ... The BIGGEST.

Aidou: I'm Hanabusa Aidou and I am the biggest lame-ass in all the school.

Zero: Right, now could you go outside and count to 50,000?

Aidou: OK! (goes outside) 1, 6, 3, 52, oh look a ladybug! 14, 200, kaname, 427...

Headmaster: Anyway, weapons come later. I still cannot trust you... Not after what happened when my kidney's-

Yuuki: Enough with the kidneys please!

Headmaster: All right! Now, bedtime kiddos!

Yuuki: Uhhh, its lunchtime.

Aidou (outside): Speaking of lunch, (comes inside) Toga told me to bring you this. (gives headmaster a package covered in pink.) Its smells like chicken. You know, the kind of chicken they serve at KFC

Headmaster: All right bitches, get out! My dinner's getting cold.

Aidou: Don't worry! I sat on to make sure it stays refrigerated!

Yuuki (under her breath): Probably contaminated too.

Headmaster: What was that?

Yuuki: Nothing!

Zero: KFC CHICKEN IS FAKE!

_The next day/the first day of school_

Yuuki: Zero! Wake up! Its the first day of school!

Zero: (moan) Was that a sign to be excited?

Yuuki: Yes, now get your ugly white emo ass out of the box and get dressed! *slaps his butt*

Zero: OH! (his voice went up 3 octaves)

_Half an hour later, at the school gate._

Guy at gate: Hello! You must be the Disciplinary Committee!

Zero: (sigh) Please don't say committee around me.

Guy: Whatever. Anyway, your mother-

Zero: MY MOTHER?

Guy: Er- father-

Zero: Don't say that around me either.

Guy: -said that I am to take pictures of you two to remember the first day of school.

Yuuki: OK! Oh yeah whats your name?

Guy: ... Larry.

Yuuki: Hi Barry.

Larry: Larry.

Yuuki: -and guys with American names in Japan? This is some serious shi-

Zero: Juat do it already

Larry: Say cheese!

_SNAP!_

Larry: Okay, here it is!

Yuuki: Thanks Harry!

Larry: Larry.

The picture shows Zero doing his little casual retarded emo pose while Yuuki is smiling over his shoulder. In the backround Seiren was holding a boot and behind Zero was Aidou looking like a creepy pedophile and behind Yuuki's head was Kain waning his vampire ass... which looked like it was next to Zero's ear. But when they turned around Kain and Seiren weren't there. (And there was also a boot laying on the ground.) O.O

Larry: Okay! Now get your asses to class! (slaps Zero's butt)

Zero: OH! (again, up 3 octaves)

Yuuki: Bye Mary!

Larry: Larry.

_In class._

Teacher: Hello. My name is MOga TAgari. Nice to meet you. Ah.

Zero: Hello Yagari-sensei~

Teacher: Its TAgari.

Zero: Hm. The first 2 letters in each part of your name reminds me of a similar name.

Yuuki: Why are you wet?

Teacher: Oh um, you see, uh, I went swimming so...

Zero: (Somewhere in his mind singing, "PAARRT OF YOUR WOOOORRLLDDD~~~") Wait a minute... aren't you that mermaid dude from chapter 5 in our shitty lives? (refer back to chapter 5..when they went to the beach and all if you don't remember)

Everyone: KYAH! MORI-SENPAI FROM OURAN!

(heaven: OUURRAAANNN~~~~)

Zero: OHHHHH, now I remember! MOri TAkashi. Its like... MO-TA! AHA! MOTA!

Mori: NO I'VE BEEN COMPROMISED! (jumps out the window and will probably never come back to the academy for the rest of the school year)

_Later that day, when they had to guide the Night Class Babies into the Night Dorm._

(Everybody is looking at Yuuki in hate.)

Yuuki: All right people. Keep up the pace!-

Zero: HEY AIDOU! STOP SHOOTING PEOPLE. THAT'S MY JOB!

Kaname: Oh, Kiryuu-kun. (BITCH SLAP!) Hey Aidou.

Aidou: Yeah?

BITCH SLAP!

Kaname: He's right you know.

_That night._

Yuuki: Ugh, I'm so tired of walking! Next time I'm getting a horse.

Zero: (comes out of the tree riding Wild White Lily) Sorry, what was that?

Yuuki: Oh shut up. (lightbulb appears over her head.) I remember now! (runs to the night dorm and comes back riding Kaname and holding a whip in her hand.)

Zero: Dammit! Wanna trade?

Yuuki: Nope. Alright Kaname, you've got six laps, now go.

Kaname: Uhhhh, moo.

_7 laps later._

Kaname: I'm tired! I need some milk. Oh yeah and I have to take a picture of this! (takes out a camera and takes a picture of Yuuki whipping his ass until literally, both butt cheeks were the size of his head...which they probably already were.)

_The next morning._

The new teacher: Cross. Cross!

Yuuki: Whah? Wheres Tanagara-sensei?

New Teacher: TAGARI-sensei had a heart attack. I'm the new teacher! Hoga Magari! The "h" and "m" stand for Hot Milf!

Everyone: Hello Milf-sensei.

Milf: Hello. Now Cross, you and your friend there will have to stay after class.

_Later that day._

_Yuuki's being chased by the angry mob of rabid, bloodshot eye-balled, fan people but eventually hides out at... the balcony (and looking at the moon)_

Yuuki: They'll never find me here-

Next to her: Hey Yuuki-

Yuuki: AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Takes out her Chanel No. 5 and sprays the dumb blonde... but sadly misses the eye)

Ichijou: AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I've been sprayed with female toxin! I've lost my man pride! (trips and falls over the balcony and gets found by the madwomen fan girls who start dragging him into the dark shadow in the corner and disappear...

Shiki (comes out of nowhere): Yay! Ichijou lost his virginity AND his man pride! AND his birthday's this weekend! I gotta call the caterer!

That night on the patrol duty thingy.

Aidou and Kain were walking on the grounds.

Kain: I heard Ichijou lost his man pride AND the girls made him sing "Am I Blue."

AIdou: I made the girls take him down cause he broke my iPod

_-Flashback- 3.4 years ago_

_Aidou and Ichijo holding each other tightly and screaming like fangirls. BECAUSE THE PLANE WAS FALLING._

_Aidou and Ichijo: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~~~~~~_

_Ichijo: AIDOU IF WE DON'T SURVIVE THIS..even though we're vampires.. I ALWAYS WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT I LOV- I'M GAAAYYYYYYY!_

_Aidou: Oh._

_Ichijo: and I broke your iPod._

_Aidou: WHAAAT?_

_-Flashback end-_

Aidou: So yeah an- OMG ZERO!

Zero held up a card that randomly fell down from the sky.

Zero: "M" or... (turns the card upside down) "W"?

Aidou:... M is for PEENI-

Kain: W IS FOR WUMBO!

A giant hand came from the sky and slapped Aidou in the face.

Zero: Its W. Now get to your dorms! (smacks there butts) OH (three octaves high)

Kain: (whispering like a creeper) He knows what you did last Easter.

_Bunch of weeks later, while Yuuki suffers from being tackled down by angry fan mobs with pitchforks and anti-Yuuki posters and staying up late and stuff..._

_In the Headmaster's office._

Headmaster: Zero, Yuuki, I would like you to go to the market and fetch me some... JUICE. And some food.

Zero: But what if we're attacked? What if someone tries to rape me? They can't get any of THIS! *motioning his GLORIOUS body*

Yuuki: THEY CAN'T GET ANY OF THAT BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS TO RAPE YOU! (Except maybe Kaname.)

Headmaster: Hm, Kiryuu-kun may have a point... Here, Yuuki (gives here a device), take this long gray metal electrical anti-vampire stick that a found in my ass the other day-

Yuuki: ITS GOT A HAIR ON IT! AND ITS BROWN!

Headmaster: -and I FINALLY found the keys to the Crossmobile!

Zero: Oh yeah you got a new one.

Yuuki: Yeah but its worse than Crossmobile #1. You can't roll down the windows in this one..which mean you can't moon people either...or get in the car through the window...and if that nasty farting ass machine Uncle Rido is in the car.. WE'RE ALL GONNA SUFFOCATE FROM THE LACK OF OXYGEN!

Headmaster: *wipes tear* Who knew my dumbass daughter knew such a big word?

Yuuki: Who knew your mom knew such a big word?

Headmaster: Dont worry, I even gave it a new name! The TogaMobile. It used to be his. Which takes me WAY back when I first rode it...

_30 years ago, at the Hunter Society thing place._

_Kaien Cross was sitting in the libary-_

Yuuki: Wait a minute, YOU can READ?

Headmaster: Yeah. Hooked on Fonics (nigahiga). ANYWAYS! BEFORE I WAS SO RUDELY INTERRUPTED...

_Anyway, Cross was sitting in the library. He had an afro and shiny disco clothes. Then an ugly van drove through the wall and hit Kaien._

_Toga (has an orange mullet and sunglasses on, covering his unwounded eyeballs): (rolls down the window) Hey you._

_Kaien: Yeah?_

_Toga: You got some dru- JUICE?_

_Kaien: Yeah. Its at home._

_Toga: Wanna take a ride in my car to your house for it?_

_Kaien: Sure._

_Back to the present_

Zero: Ok you're going way too far with this Toga thing-

Headmaster: Dont criticize me! Idiot. (starts going to the bathroom and runs into an open door)

_Outside._

Zero and Yuuki were standing in front of the TogaMobile. On the side it showed a picture of Toga hugging his grandma from Africa. It also said "Grandma Toga's Ice Cream" but the words grandma, ice, and cream were _Cross_ed out (get it?) and the word "Mobile" was painted next to the "Toga."

Yuuki: Alright, now get in! (smacks Zeros butt)

Zero: OH! (3 octaves higher)

Zero gets in the passenger seat while Yuuki gets in the driver's seat.

While driving they passed a kid who was waving for ice cream.

Zero: Hey, pull over! I've got an idea.

When they pulled over, Zero knew that the window didn't open, so he just opened the door and smacked the kid in the face and slammed the door shut.

Yuuki: Zer-

Zero: SHUT UP AND DRIVE DRIVE DRIVE! (Rihanna)

_Few minutes later._

Yuuki was driving at 186 mph when she was stopped by a cop. Who knew the Cros- I mean TogaMobile could go so fast?

Cop: (comes to the drivers window and taps on the glass.)

Yuuki: (opens the door and hits the cop.)

Cop: WHAT THE HELL'S YOUR PROBLEM?

_In Yuuki's mind_

_-Yuuki's Speak Options-_

_1. I am so sorry._

_2. The window won't open_

_3. Fuck you asshole._

_In reality_

Yuuki: Fuck you asshole. (gets her anti-vampire stick and instead of whacking the guy which would obviously not work 'cause he's not a vampire, she gets the part where Headmaster's ass hair was and shoves it into the cops nose... where he instantly shriveled up. Then Zero reached out and grabbed the gun.)

And that is how Zero ended up with a gun.

At the market, after buying some milk

Zero: Urgh the sun is too bright! MY EYES! Must..crawl back... to... the DARK! (crawls into a shadow) Hey! A hand!

Yuuki: Okay so we got Headmaster his milk and... wheres the TogaMobile?

-_Flashback-_

_When Yuuki and Zero arrived at the market, they parked on the side walk on top of a man._

_Then a cop came over to them._

_MAN: Urggh. Heellllppp meeeee._

_Cop (approaches Yuuki and Zero): Hey you. _

_Yuuki: Wha?_

_Cop: You can't park here!_

_Yuuki: (gets the keys and throws them in the street where it hit a bird, which caused the bird to fall into the street, which caused it to get run over, which caused the keys to fly and land in someone's ice cream, which caused the ice cream to plop to the ground, which caused the little man to cry, which caused his grandma to get mad and beat him with her walking stick. Someone picks up the keys and throws it back to Yuuki who throws it back into the street and get the keys crushed by a moving car.) WELL I JUST DID._

_-Flashback End-_

Yuuki: Hey look, its that guy I parked on that was flopping around like a dying fish.

_An hour later._

Yuuki: OH I remember! MOga TAnegawa-sensei!

MOTA: It's TAKASHI- I MEAN TAgari... Ah.

Yuuki screams in slow motion.

Zero comes out of the shadows in slow motion.

Zero goes toward Yuuki in slow motion.

Mori Takashi is saying "Ah" in slow motion.

Zero grabs Yuuki's anti-vampire stick in slow motion.

Zero whacks the "TAgari-sensei" who is a wannabe Yagari-sensei with Yuuki's anti-vampire stick at regular speed (cause he thought he was a vampire).

Mori: (in pain) AHHH... AHHH... AHHH... AHHH... AHHH- (disintegrates to sand)

Yuuki: KYAAAA MORI-SEMPAI (for she finally figured out who he really was. But then she realised he was dead.) NOOOOOO! (turns to Zero and starts whacking him with her stick).

Zero: Ow. So he was- ow- a- ow- mermaid an- ow a vampire? OW.

Ichijou comes out of the dust holding a sword. Shiki behind him.

Ichijou (in his crappy I-was-raped-by-fangirls voice): Hello Yuuki and 0. We found your car. Come to my birthday tonight. Bye.

Yuuki: (not paying attention for she was busy putting Mori's sand thing into a plastic baggy) I must preserve him. AND I'm gonna make a fortune.

Shiki: Thanks for the milk.

Zero: That's your dad's birthday present.

**PART I END. NEXT WILL BE ICHIJO'S PARTY THAT YUUKI AND ZERO WILL CRASH.**

**Sorry for not updating in a while. We would kindly appreciate your**

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**and new ideas. THanks for reading our random weird ass story. Good night.**


	13. Deleted Untold Story 1

**_HEYLO READER BABIES! SO YEAH WE ARE BACK (scwartzneggerblehbleh i cant spell his last name style) _**

* * *

_***NOW CHILDREN THIS IS IMPORTANTE! THIS IS NOT PART 2 OF.. "AH". THIS IS JUST A MINI STORY.**_

**This was the deleted/untold scene in Chapter 3-4 (Shitty Vacation on a cruise)**

So one day Zero was on the deck chair eating his seaweed 'cause, you know, he's asian and stuff with white hair. So while he was eating his seaweed and polishing his DORA gun, he heard Aidou screaming in the "Captain's Quarters."

...

During that time, Aidou was singing repeatedly, "A PIRATES LIFE IS THEE LIFES FOR ME. AND A BOTTLE OF BLOOD. NOMNOMNOMNOM. A PIRATES LIFE IS THEE LIFES FOR ME. AND A BOTTLE OF-HOLY SHIT"

Kain had entered the room and looked at Aidou curiously. Aidou stared back for a moment.

"AHHH," Aidou yelled in Kain's face. "It's the Kraken. Send it to Davy Jones foot locker," he said while shoving a sock, that looked mysteriously like the sock Kaname was looking for this morning, into Kain's mouth.

Hmmm... Now that we think about it, Aidou HAS lately been obsessed with Pirate movies... so much that he spent countless night watching them for hours and hours straight and not changing his underwear. He beat Shiki's record of wearing the same underwear for the longest time... But he has yet to beat Kaname's record.

Kain spits the sock out of his mouth, which went out the window, which landed in Zero's mouth full of seaweed. "So that's where my bed frame went!" Kain said, pointing at the bed frame surrounding Aidou.

Oh yeah, did we forget to mention that Aidou's ship was Kain's bedframe surrounding him, which was inside the Captain's quarters, which was on top of the real cruise ship? So, yeah...

"OI! BACK OFF OF MY SHIP! ARGH!" Aidou snarled with his eye patch covering his eye. Hm... The eye patch DID look very similar to the one Toga had.

Kain ignored Aidou and asked, "So if my bedframe is here, then where's my mattress?"

Aidou went silent for a moment, as if he was deeply thinking about where he misplaced it.

5 minutes later...

"OH YEAH!"

"Mhmm?" Kain urged.

"Its swimming with the dolphins!" Aidou announced proudly.

So Kain punched Aidou in the other eye (you know, the one that wasn't covered by Toga's eyepatch) and he left the room to get drunk... I think.

So maybe if Aidou didn't do what he did, then his eyeBALLS could've been spared and Kain might have saved some brain cells. Haha just kidding. But Kain probably wouldn't have gotten drunk and lit Aidou's room on fire in the future, which means he probably wouldn't have jumped off the ship and drowned. And if he hadn't lit Aidou's room on fire, then dumbass Yuuki wouldn't need to pour the solid called gasoline into the fire and sink the ship. And if the ship hadn't sunk, then they wouldn't have gotten stranded on the island and Zero could've had his BALLS spared. So in the end, IT'S ALL ZERO'S FAULT. Why you ask? 'Cause he's emo...and asian with white hair, eating seaweed. Haha just kidding. We love Zero...kinda...'cause he shared some seaweed with us. BUT YEAH ITS ALL AIDOU'S FAULT. Thank Kami-sama he landed in Africa... on top of Kain's mattress.

And remember when Ruka wished for Kain again but she pushed him back into the water and watched him drown? Well, the thing is, HE REALLY DID DROWN. But some mermen found him and jacked him to their secret underground lair, and gave him the kiss of life and turned him into a mermaid. Then Kain woke up wearing a shell bra and he had some seaweed in his mouth. But on the other end of the seaweed was a merman with the seaweed in his mouth, going all "OMNOMNOMNOM" like Lady and the Tramp style.

Anyway after Kain got molested he left and headed back for Cross Academy, and turned human/vampire again. But it is revealed later to everyone (in Chapter 5 Tic Tacs) that Kain indeed, was a mermaid...man. Hmm... Well Yuuki was with him in Chapter 5 too. So he was mermaid man and Yuuki was barnacle boy!


End file.
